by Kartika Sofyan

Created on: March 25, 2010

When you work your fingers to the bone only to find no one is paying attention, moreover to appreciate or give you such an expected gratitude, coming home and complaining to your spouse or roommate may pays it all. Complaining removes the whole world off your shoulder.  While people of wisdom might find their way to pour their heart out without being grouchy, some of us would go on and on and on about the exact same issue.

At certain level, complaining is considered as acceptable. Of course, you might be able to conquer the situation better when you're able to control your emotion. Complaining does shouted in order to express dissatisfaction of objects or situation. In other words, what one get does not meet ones expectation. Thus acceptable level is when someone realizes their purpose of complaining is just as far as finding relief. The aggravating level is when someone -aware or not- uses complaining as a form of seeking attention.

According to Margaret Paul, PhD, people who use complaining as an attention seeker have not entirely developed their inner needs of self loving, caring and compassion. This happens when one did not get enough attention, caring and or loving in childhood. Children learn to fulfill these needs of compassion when their parents or caregiver provide love and caring, enough to make them feel secure. This way, they learn how to love themselves. Adults who had not successfully developed this task as a child will keep demanding for fulfillment from others.

Then why do some people, breathlessly whine just about everything? To put it simple, complaining is a quick and easy response drawer. At least on the first attempt, it will attract the listener to give sympathy. If it could serve better, it could put the blame on someone else.  And guess what, it is addictive (Margaret Paul, PhD). Just like addiction of alcohol, it’s hard to control and quitting needs others support. If you happened to have an excessive complainer in your environment, remember that turning your head will not stop this behavior.  People who with addiction of complaining need to learn how to fulfill their inner needs of compassion, but they need to build this ability on their own. The most you can do, however, is courteously help them realize that they need to find a way to build their sense of self-compassion, despite of being demanding to others.

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