by Joan Pedersen

Created on: March 24, 2010   Last Updated: April 12, 2010

BREAKING THE FEDERAL JOB CODE

The good news is: there ARE job openings appearing on USAJOBS.com, the official government employment website.  The bad news is: no job description accompanied the titles, thus making the search difficult at best if not sheer guess work.  Not to worry, I’ve taken the liberty of providing a detailed explanation of these federal positions for your convenience. 

1.  Survivability Engineer

The winning candidate would be an easy-going train conductor who has weathered no less than eight accidents on Amtrak within the past five years.  A taxing and possibly highly unfulfilling career opportunity to make the world a safer place, maybe.  Optional: security clearance waived for anyone who can document having walked away from two train wrecks within the past three months, as televised by CNN.  Otherwise finger printing required, unless you’re too busy that day. 

Reference # 13642389120843759230981.

2.  Air Traffic Controller, Junior

Almost like the real thing, but your look-out chair is shorter.  This newly-created vacancy offers demanding, though not high-visibility FAA activities.  Career advancement encouraged.  Must hold an advanced certificate in stress-management and possess 20-20 vision, if not have a desire for Lasik surgery.  Caffeine addicts have an edge on the competition.  No prior convictions, if possible.  The announcement for this position contains complete application procedures and lists all mandatory requirements. Filing date: “Please prepare for take-off.”

3.  Senior JAVA Programmer

Clearly, the ideal candidate would be a true connoisseur of coffee, a person who, without complaining, is able to successfully program an automatic coffeemaker to begin  brewing at six bells am, five mornings a week and on occasional weekends. Conversant with South American coffee beans an obvious plus.  While this is an AA/EOE position, men in particular are encouraged to apply as are disgruntled Starbucks’ employees.     

4.  Six Sigma Master Black Belt Consultant

Quite honestly, we have no idea what the hell this is and our contact at human resources is out on maternity leave.  Nevertheless, given the complexity of the job title, it appears safe to say that qualified candidates will have a minimum of 15 years in breaking wood with a thrust of their hand and 8+ years having managed,

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