CLOSING IN ON THE EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
What you are about to read is a progressive journey that defies time and place. It will tangle with your emotions like a sticky spider web that remains stuck on your fingers even after you think that you have shaken off all the threads. This journey is about jutting your chin up and out further than you ever have before. You are an individual that has just been plunged into the Empty Nest Syndrome.
Allow me to give you a few quick scenarios just so that we are on the same page. One minute I am brushing my daughter's hair and the next minute she is on her cell phone. I take a moment to reflect upon carefree days filled with mother/daughter gossip sessions. I shake my head to clear out the cobwebs. "That is better!" I say to myself, "Now, I am thinking more clearly!" It was five years ago that I was brushing my daughter's hair and get ready because here comes the nightmare sequence - the person on the other end of my daughter's cell phone is none other than - He's Not Right For My Daughter. Oh my God! I am crying for no apparent reason (except that my hair brushing skills are no longer needed and that the person on the other end of my darling girl's cell phone is He's Not Right For My Daughter). Another example of how time and place can play tricks on us was when my daughter made plans to go the mall with me and 20 minutes later said she was meeting one of her girlfriends there. "Oh, you can come along if you like," she said. What was I to call this? Could it be a woman's prerogative to change her mind? Well, we can look at the facts. They are: a) She is still a teenager; and b) In the case of two teenage girls and a mom - two is company and three is a crowd.
O.K., I can be supportive. For instance, let us examine the situation where He's Not Right for My Daughter has called. I can ask my daughter how her 'friend' is doing. I use the word friend because it is easier to formulate that word with my mouth versus the term that she and all of her girlfriends have coined for him, which is by now I'm sure you've guessed - 'boyfriend'. The mantra that my husband and I say to one another is "we must show acceptance towards the boyfriend." What is the alternative? Well, according to my sister, who has raised two daughters of her own, we can have our daughter and her boyfriend turn into "Romeo and Juliet." For my second example concerning the mall, I simply told my daughter that a little more notice would have been nice so that I could make other plans. The idea was to make her see that I too have places to go and people to meet.
Empty Nest Syndrome creeps in very slowly yet deliberately. The unsuspecting mother may not recognize exactly when or where it begins; thus, a feeling as if she is shaking out those mental cobwebs. Is it possible that it begins as soon as a child starts exercising independence? For instance, your child decides that, from now on, there will be no more hugs and/or kisses in public. It could even begin as early as when your child says, "No!" to you for the first time. There was a preschool interview set up by my daughter's perspective teacher and at the conclusion, I remember saying to the teacher, "I wish she could stay like this forever." She nodded a knowing smile and said she had two daughters of her own. At this point, I thought that if I only had the power, I would freeze time. My daughter was at the angelic stage where she was asking if she could be mommy's helper.' These days, she brings the towels up from the laundry room and throws them on my living room couch. Her father will say, "Well at least she brought them up." Meanwhile, I am thinking, Well, if I criticize her for not folding the towels, it might be a week before I get them out of the dryer.'
My sister and I were on the phone talking about my feelings of loss and abandonment. Being a mature woman of perimenopausal mind and bloated body I listened as my sister relayed some serviceable news. She had once read an article on Candice Bergen and it turned out that she had similar feelings about her daughter growing up and going away to college. I was intrigued as I listened to my sister and felt compelled to find the article on the Internet if possible. A couple of days went by and I still hadn't found time to look up the article when the most coincidental thing happened. "Boston Legal" flashed upon my television screen. Realizing that Candice Bergen appeared in this show, I sat up a little straighter and wondered how I it would feel if I were to view the image of a successful actress/model allegedly plagued with the same malady as myself. Consequently, I decided to sit back and see if I could assume an imaginary comradeship with Candice. The opening credits were running, along with images of the cast, including some brief clips of Candice Bergen. Although the tiny scenes of Candice were brief, I could see that she appeared her usual cool and confident self. The show proceeded, where I saw James Spader and William Shatner acting splendidly in their roles. I noticed that 25 minutes had gone by and still no sign of Candice Bergen. Since, at this point, I had not seen Candice acting in this particular segment, my balloon began to deflate. I knew that the following day I would have to search for the article that my sister and I had discussed. The article that I found had a September 2002 date on it. Since the article was over four years old, I determined that Candice had a grip on her Empty Nest Syndrome. I perused the article searching for any words of wisdom I could use. I needed to know that I wasn't the only one suffering from this problem and hearing that someone strong and successful had gone through it would make me feel less weak. I found the article entitled "Candice Bergen: Face to Face" by Meg Grant. During the interview, Meg asked Candice if she would suffer Empty Nest Syndrome when her 16-year-old daughter went to college. Candice replied, "Ha! I have it now."
One little statement was all that I needed. Candice's words let me know that unequivocally, I was not alone. I could see there were other moms with teenagers that were going through these uncertain and melancholy times. I am grateful to my sister for admitting that she sometimes stands in her eldest daughter's room even though her daughter has since moved out. It is normal to have my feelings and I no longer have to be ashamed of them. My future will be flooded with tears of hope along with lots of smiles. I have a beautiful, intelligent, daughter who received a 4.0 this quarter, is a skating instructor, and already owns her car (every penny of which she paid for herself). Her future is shaping up nicely as she makes plans for college and I know that she will be successful because she is already independent in many ways. I am proud to say that I know some of my influence resides somewhere within her. I will be here for her as she makes her transition from teenager to adult and will remain here for her after she leaves the nest.