by Andrew Freyne

Created on: March 19, 2010

For many years I have been living a life that I hardly recognised!  Yes I am alive but I am also an empty shell!  I would refer to myself as just existing! I breathe, I eat, I sleep, I ponder, I cry!  What else is there?  For years I have been haunted by those very letters: F.E.A.R.   Fear!  What is it?  Why does it exist?  I have always sought to move forward but for some reason I have always been plagued by fear, everywhere I turn, fear, every new thing I try to do or experience, fear!  Fear has been the misunderstood demon that has been haunting me for many years and it's only recently that I have come to some understanding as to the possible reasons!

As a child I remember vague images of being happy, of smiling, doing the things a child should be doing at such a young age!  These images are scarce though as far more lucid images take their place!  Images of doom!  Images of destruction!  Images of turmoil!  That was the time when I was first introduced to a face of kindness, soft and gentle but below this, hidden evil!  That was the time when I was first introduced to my abuser and then came the fear; I would never be the same from that time forward!

The years have passed and I have entered my own mind on many occasions, trying to analyse, trying to criticise, what was I doing wrong? How could I move forward and break through this concept of fear?  So many useless thoughts! So much pressure!  Fear of people! Fear of crowds! Not trusting anyone!  Not allowing anyone to get close, forever pushing them away! Why? Why? Why? Answers!  Forever looking for answers!  I believe that sometimes we have to be strong enough to request the help of others when we are experiencing our darkest period!  I took the initiative and then came the counselling!

I had entered new territory!  I would be disclosing my inner most secrets to a total stranger and yes, again I began to experience fear! However, on this occasion I started getting into the sessions and it was then that I became acquainted with the concept of fear, just like meeting someone for the first time!  I began to grasp!  I began to understand that fear could be utilised in a positive way, a productive way!  I slowly began to push forward!  I slowly began to acknowledge that it's ok to experience fear just as long as you don't allow it to trap you, to hold you in suspended animation!  This is all I had been doing, until now!

My counselling sessions were very helpful and they had to come to an end at some point but I left with a clear understanding of what fear is and how it should be dealt with.  As a result I have now learned self-acceptance! I realise that it's ok to be afraid, everyone feels fear, it's only natural.  The thing that is different now though is I have reprogrammed my mind into saying, whenever I try something new: 'yes, I'm nervous, but this is ok! I'm not going to allow the fear to stop me doing what I want to do, when I want to do it!'  Life goes on, my past is my past!  My very thoughts now are: hello fear, once you were my jailer, now you are my teacher! Thank you!

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