by Christine G.

Created on: March 18, 2010

Most of us agree that humans need support and encouragement to function well and live fully.  The difficult question is: how can we offer those treasures to others? 

In our current relativistic society, many people mistake indiscriminate praise and expressions of approval for support and encouragement.  Knee-jerk cheer-leading provides nothing nourishing.  The recipients will either internalize it to strengthen an exaggerated sense of entitlement which will lead them into more trouble, or they will perceive it as a cruel denial of what they really need.

We have all heard of the value of listening, particularly active listening.  This skill requires us to pay careful attention, and periodically summarize what we have heard, allowing the speaker to correct our perceptions if necessary.  Doing this validates self-esteem by demonstrating that the person is worthy of our focused attention.  It is immensely helpful for clarifying thoughts and considering different courses of action.  However, it can also become an automatic refuge from engagement with the other person.  Intimacy is a two-way street.  If we devote ourselves exclusively to listening, we withhold our true selves. 

When we do speak, it is best to tell the truth.   Glossing things over will only delay solutions.  If you think that your friend/relative/child, acted like a jerk, say so.  If it is done lovingly, it can send a strong message of acceptance.  People hunger to know that they are valued even when they have missed the mark.    

Being honest in our evaluations provides people with feed-back.  It does no good to greet everything with ecstatic adulation.  If we know that unusual effort was made, we can praise the effort, even if the result was not particularly outstanding.  If negative results are related to laziness, bad judgement, or ignorance, it is best to acknowledge that, and look for ways to correct the problem.

It is better to empower people to help themselves rather than do things for them.  Acting as a teacher or coach is immensely satisfying when we can see improvement over time.  Instead of allowing others to become dependent on us (a dangerous drug for those of us who need to be needed), we can spend our energy on working ourselves out of a job.

Never underestimate the power of little things.  Sometimes a pat on the shoulder, an invitation for a walk or an outing, a simple acknowledgement of something well done, a phone call, a note, or a small meaningful gift can make all the difference in the world.  When we hear the words, "You made my day!" we know that we are on the right track.

Support and encouragement comes in many shapes and sizes.  Sometimes people need to be cuddled; sometimes they need a boot in the rear.  Sometimes they need freedom; other times they need structure.  Sometimes constructive criticism is the greatest gift we can offer; sometimes quiet acceptance is the key to new strength.   Our interventions are successful to the degree that people hear the message, "I am right here.  I care about you and the things that are important to you.  I accept you as you are, but I will never stop encouraging you to be the best you can be." 

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