by carolyna

Created on: February 23, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

I think men and women can be be "just friends". I've got three guy friends who come instantly to mind who are great friends of mine for over five years, and we've never had any awkward moments. Perhaps there may have been a time where a couple of those guys may have considered the possibility of asking me out, but I think they would have worked out I wasn't interested, and instead we've built a lasting friendship where the subject has never come up.

I think it's possible that men and women become friends and then pretend that friendship is their only intention. In that situation, then no, you can't just be friends; of course not! In the past if I've met I guy I really quite fancy and I'm not sure if he likes me or not, I'll just go along with being friends, but inevitably, we realise that there's a greater attraction there. That's not to say you can't stay friends (assuming you've not had any "official relationship"), but I think women aren't as black and white as men in that, if a man wants a relationship with a woman, but the woman doesn't want such a permanent thing, the man will invariably end up ending the relationship. A woman, however, with the roles reversed, will still tend to see the man on a casual relationship, even if she would rather a more permanent arrangement, because she feels flattered that you're at least physically interested in her. Women need better self-esteem in these situations! You're worth more than that! If he doesn't want you for keeps, then you shouldn't waste your time on him. Usually after a while, women wake up and realise they're being sick of coming second and being used, and end it.

In the case where you're in a relationship and your partner makes a new friend of the opposite sex who is single, I don't think they could really be close friends necessarily. Many things could happen that would mean you couldn't just be friends. The single friend could suddenly get on like a house on fire with your partner, and if you're going through a "rough patch", this won't help you work through things together. The single friend could maliciously have her eye on your partner and be out to sleep with him/her (if they're not interested in a relationship). The single friend may actually not have any intentions towards your partner, but somehow, you just can't help feeling like the new friend is some kind of competition for your partner's time and attention. Either way, it makes it a lot harder for men and women in these situations to just be friends. I know I'd feel a lot easier if my boyfriend's new female friend was someone who was in already in a relationship (and not going through rough patches!).

To be "just friends" there can't be any temptation to go further than that, because ultimately temptation proves tough on us weak humans. As humans we seem to have this fantastic ability to persuade ourselves that what we're doing is actually done in innocence, when actually we're just trying to make excuses for our actions. We can't play dumb when we know what we're really doing or trying hard not to do. Sharing a bed with someone who you're greatly attracted to as "just friends" doesn't work when you know you want something different. Even worse is when both of you are playing at "just friends" when both of you want more.

Ultimately, yes you can be "just friends", but only if you really are *just friends*. That's the friend who knows your true worth and will tell you that your "just friends" friendship isn't really worth your time.

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