by Martine Pauwels

Created on: March 09, 2010   Last Updated: March 10, 2010

Few people understand me. I write to share my story, but also to express my feelings for a better understanding for victims of abuse.

One thing I do suffer is some kind of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I do get flash backs and nightmares. Often I dream of my husband as some kind of Freddy Kruger.

I suffer a lot from losing friends. Well, I seldom trust people and I can be pretty fed up when somebody breaks my trust or drops me.

Many become abusers themselves. Yes, I do fight not to get paranoia and to not freak out on men, like my husband freaked out on women and his insecurity turned my life into hell. I just long not to make mine hell for another.

I do not wish to become like that and the problem is that I have also been bullied at school. Because I easily get upset and might freak out, I become an easy target. I am fat, have a speech disorder and am overly sensitive, which is as good as being socially handicapped.

It is easier said than done to keep control of yourself. I often also freak myself out, since I know that when anxiety takes control, I might hyperventilate, but I also might lose self control.

In my panic I might also become a threat to my abuser. I have the tendency to run, but my husband locked me in and I got more stressed. Yes, I could have killed him.

When you feel like a trapped rat with no where to go, you might do things you normally do not, simply out of self defense.

Normally I do not tend to violence and run from it, but if you cannot run, your instinct might take over.

There is such a things as “battered wife syndrome” or victims seeing no way out and killing their husband when trapped in a violent and abusive relationship.

We are all potential murderers and victims of severe abuse do take risks. When you bully a person to a limit of hysteria, this person might black out and harm you as well.

I admit I did pray for my husband to die and shivered when he got home from work. Right now I hope to get the divorce done, reclaim my home and get my life going again.

I live back with my mother, which is not easy, since she does not understand me either and manages to get me hysterical as well and beats me too.

Both gave me all material wealth they could, but called me ungrateful, because all I wanted was love and they cannot give me that.

There really is no greatness in bullying and abuse. You mark a victim for life and I just hope to get a normal life, but so far normal people turn their back on me, because they do not understand

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