by Ramtin Mashayekhi

Created on: March 07, 2010   Last Updated: March 12, 2010

It's essential to understand that codependency and counterdependency are primarily two unconscious patterns of behavior, ingrained habits supported by nonadaptive values, false beliefs, rationalizations, denial and projection. It is difficult to see the problem if it is all one has ever known; it seems normal, even normative. But with self-observation and a proper understanding of these patterns one can gain the insight needed to get to the threshold of transformation.

CODEPENDENCY - "The Flight to Intimacy"

Let us start by looking at codependency. Basically, codependency is an exaggeration of the otherwise healthy motivation for love/affiliation (which connects one to others). When reduced to its essentials codependency revolves around two core issues: problems about 1) being oneself, and 2) taking care of oneself.

Emotionally healthy individuals can connect with others without sacrificing their own integrity, and meet their own needs without guilt. In codependency these healthy traits degenerate into (a) fusion (loss of one's own identity in social contact), and (b) self-sacrifice (sacrifice of one's own needs to meet the perceived needs of others). Let's explore these two patterns more closely.

Fusion

Codependency is essentially an issue of inappropriate psychological boundaries, a loss of personhood, being out of touch with oneself, a condition of being externally referenced. Codependency robs you of a clear sense of what you think, what you feel, what you need, what you want – of who you are, independent of the people around you.

Self-sacrifice (excessive caretaking)

Codependent individuals haven't learnt the crucial difference between being responsible to people, and being responsible for people. It's a sort of fixation on others at the cost of oneself. One has empathy, sympathy and care for everyone, but oneself. One gives beyond what will hurt one's own well-being, and remember, we're not speaking of a rare emergency situation, but of an enduring lifestyle. They simply don't give their needs status equal to that of others' needs.

To those on the outside a codependent person appears as a purely giving and caring individual. They present a false image (to themselves included) of being completely generous and unselfish and of not wanting any kind of payoff for themselves, when in fact they harbor unacknowledged emotional needs and expectations, which are bound to eventually breed resentment and victim consciousness. The very term ”co-dependency”

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