by Joan Pedersen

Created on: March 06, 2010   Last Updated: March 25, 2010

Listen up, everyone!

When Anne Marie Cummings heard that she had won the national sweepstakes to be the next Surgeon General of the United States, she was seriously taken aback.  Particularly since she wasn’t a doctor, nor was she in the military.  Not to mention that she couldn’t recall having filled out an entry form.  (As a surprise, her best friend Sarah McKay had submitted her name during a drinking binge, for which she is now safely in rehab.)

Anne Marie later learned that President Obama’s new health care plan determined that nominating a complete unknown with absolutely no experience in the health care field might have a better than odds chance of passing Senate confirmation.  

Having always been a people-pleaser and fearful of disappointing anyone in authority, coupled with the fact that she looks good in a uniform with medals, Anne Marie quite proudly accepted the appointment.  To her delight the prize came with a two-week trip for two to Los Cabos.  Equally enticing was the federal government’s dental plan. 

 Preparing to embark on a seemingly once-in-lifetime professional odyssey, she acknowledged that paying extra for checked baggage on my flight to DC was the least of her worries.  What really excited her, however, was the fact that after sobering up, Sarah was onboard to be her deputy surgeon general if they have such a thing.   

Later, while fastidiously ironing her interview outfit for the trip, Anne Marie realized that becoming America’s Top Doctor would dictate learning a little something about medicine on short notice, by next Tuesday actually.  She also concluded that this would be a good occasion to give up smoking.     

 Seeking the best overview of public health, Anne Marie naturally turned to Wikipedia, since she no longer finds the dictionary particularly useful.  An hour later, feeling more self assured and less intimidated, she resolutely concluded, “Hey, why can’t I be the country’s chief medical spokesperson, except for my social anxiety I do like talking to some people.  And, in fact, the growing weight of our people does keep me awake at night.  Plus, I really like health warnings labels.” 

Anticipating the challenges of her upcoming Senate hearings, Anne Marie took comfort in the strength of her bipartisan appeal since she has never been a registered voter.   

Once safely situated on the plane to Washington, she practiced her responses to Senators testy questions.  “Believe me, I am no Jocelyn Elders, and know nothing about masturbation.  Instead, please ask me about the dangers of childhood obesity.  And yes, there’s nothing wrong with responsible sexual behavior on weekdays.  Thank you for your vote.  God bless you.”      

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