by Jac Alyn

Created on: March 03, 2010

Recently I was involved in a conflict in a public washroom which caused me to come to the conclusion that there are natural bathroom noises and unnatural bathroom noises.  Unnatural bathroom noises include grunting, wheezing, gasping and generally all vocal sounds. 

With bathroom noises, the water in the bowl is the major culprit. Obviously all #1 sounds the same, maybe a dribble here, or a pause there but basically you cannot tell one person's #1 from another.  This similarity between all living things masks the true nature of the activity and everyone involved can go about a decent day without consciously reliving this natural activity.  We all pretend no one does it.

#2 is a little different for obvious reasons, and without going into too much detail, different types hit the water at different degrees to create a myriad of sounds all essentially natural.  Even though someone may be presently witnessing your natural causes you can generally assume that even though they might snicker be temporarily amused or disgusted, no one will think or say much about the activity going on. 

Unnatural bathroom noises (#1 or #2) are a little unnerving.  For the person making said noises you feel embarrassed or at least a little awkward that these noises are taking place.  You are fully aware that everyone is listening, yet you might not be able to help yourself. 

For the listener, it is a rather horrible experience.  You feel for a moment that the other person may be in some sort of trouble.  You want to be able to help them through their ordeal but do not know how to approach the situation.  Should you break the anonymity barrier by offering them toilet paper?  A Tums?  Maybe a mop and bucket?  Or a new change of clothes.  You don't want to ask them if they are OK because you run the chance of them not knowing who you are addressing and you end up sitting there talking to yourself.  Also, you don't want to admit to the other person that you, in fact, can hear them.  So instead of asking what they ate, so in the future you can avoid such food at all costs, you quickly flush, do a fast rinse and scurry out of that bathroom to leave that person to fend for themselves.

How I know this is unimportant.

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