by Amanda Bailey

Created on: March 03, 2010   Last Updated: March 22, 2011

Cheating is a heavily stigmatized term. The media constantly presents us with the affairs of public figures and celebrities - John Edwards and Tiger Woods, to name a few - branding them in a negative light as detestable people with few morals and no self-restraint. In our society, we learn that cheating is unacceptable and subject to societal scorn. 

However, when homosexuality and infidelity become intertwined, the issue becomes more complex. Add marriage into the mix and the situation becomes even messier. Many people ask, if a woman is married to a man and has sex with another woman, should this be considered cheating? Or even, if a woman has sex with another woman while in a relationship/marriage with another woman, has she cheated on her partner?

The answer to these questions aren't simple, nor can they be answered without considering a variety of factors. The first and most important factor to consider is how we should define cheating, considering it is a term that has different meanings for different people. While some people would argue that simply having sexual or romantic feelings for another person other than one's spouse or partner constitutes cheating, others only define cheating as the sexual or romantic feelings that are acted out. Then, still, are those people who believe that sexuality is only an impulse, and that acting on this impulse is part of human nature. These people would probably be the least likely to consider cheating a major offense.

Secondly, it is necessary to take into account the type of relationship that is had between partners. Within the confines of an exclusive relationship, any form of sexual or romantic contact may be considered to be a form of cheating. However, in an inclusive relationship, different rules may apply. Perhaps two people who have decided to enter into an inclusive relationship encourage one another to seek out other sexual partners and experiment with their sexuality. In this case, what we define as cheating in an exclusive relationship may not have the same meaning in an inclusive one.

Another question we must ask is what are the terms of this relationship? Is it a marriage, a casual partnership, or a steady relationship? Like cheating, marriage is also a word that has a tendency to stir up powerful emotions. And to many, marriage is deeply rooted in religion and to the biblical definition of love. Therefore, to some, violating the sanctity of the marriage by cheating on one’s partner is also a direct violation of religious code and is deeply forbidden. Yet to some, marriage is thought of as unreligious and based solely on love. Depending on the terms of a relationship, the interpretation of cheating may vary.

Above all, communication in a relationship is key. If both partners have discussed and agreed upon having some form of openness in their relationship, whether sexual or romantic, and both partners accept the idea of the person they love being intimate with another person for the purpose of sexual experimentation, then the way we typically define cheating in our society loses its meaning. However, the way two people in a relationship choose to handle deviations in their monogamous relationship (if this is how they choose to label their relationship) should be left up to those two people and those two people alone. Too often, we are quick to judge issues such as these according to our own personal and moral beliefs, when in reality, the decisions should be left up to the people who are directly involved. 

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