by Kartika Sofyan

Created on: March 02, 2010

It was not until recently that I finally managed to see right through myself, as I looked into the mirror. It has been hard for me to describe who I am. You see, my magical mirror only tells about my flaws.

This mirror had this habit of exaggerating my weaknesses. It had always dreadfully exposed the negatives in me, and blocking my vision from seeing my qualities that could boost up my confidence. I was drowning in this, -strangely comforting—belief, that I was such a talentless, under-achiever, unworthy person. Every time I failed to succeed, the mirror remotely reflected my weaknesses and faults before I could even fairly understand the situation. Its “job” was to create this certain perception, which made me seem to deserve everything that had fallen apart.

I did not see the real me. I went blank, whenever I was being asked to tell about myself. Generally, the problem of finding Self-Identity would end in adulthood. But it was not the case for me. It goes on up until now. As a teen, I thought I had been being myself. I remember I had always kept the famous “be yourself” formula in my mind. But the truth is I never gave myself a chance to get to know who I really was. What I really did was so busy building up –for what I thought was- an appealing persona. I have been untruthful to myself for so long. To sum it all up, I have failed the task. But that’s okay.

I knew I should be off of this pattern. I had tried taking a big step for a quick change; making counter attacks to every single negative reflection that came from the mirror. The method didn’t work well. I realize that was not the proper way to heal.

I persuaded myself to make peace with my inner self. Before I step in front of the mirror, I have to be prepared.  Here’s how; I tell myself to stop blaming. Stop blaming on the mirror, stop blaming on everyone and stop blaming myself. Forgive everyone. Accept the fact that I do have weaknesses. I have to start open my eyes to see the good qualities in me. I have to be honest and kind to myself.

I’m still in the process of finding myself, and discovering the qualities in me.  I still need some time to get there. What has been improved is that the mirror is not such an evil anymore.  I see a person who‘s trying to forgive herself. This person is ready to take the chance of knowing her real self.  I see honesty, and bravery.

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