by T. S. Love

Created on: February 22, 2010

Many curious kinksters crave submission. Or they think they do. Many of them just want to bottom. Others legitimately want to give service. What is the difference, you might wonder?

Some people receive spankings because they like the sensation of getting spanked. We call those people bottoms or masochists. Others receive spankings because they want to please the person giving them, even though they really don't enjoy the sensation itself. Those people are more likely to be in the submissive, service, or slave* category. A common mistake is to confuse one sort of desire with the other.

Similarly, some people really like giving orders and being in charge. We call these people dominants, masters, or mistresses. Other folks just like spanking people or inflicting pain. We call those people tops or sadists.

These elements can be combined in many different ways, and not just the dominant = top = master and submissive = bottom = slave mentality that has become so common online. In the interest of clarity, I'd like to attempt to separate some key concepts from each other:

Topping and Bottoming describe the physical act or position.

Top = gives sensation, Bottom = receives sensation

Sadism and Masochism define what sort of sensation (pain).

Sadist = gives pain, Masochist = receives pain

Sex is another sort of sensation (pleasure).

Person on top = gives sex, person on bottom = receives sex

Domination and Submission describe attitudes or roles.

Dominant = in charge, Submissive = supportive

Master and Slave denotes ownership.

Master = makes rules, Slave* = obeys them

Switch = goes back and forth between any set or combination of these roles with ease

Dom/Sub and Master/Slave always involve some sort of intentional power exchange - but Top/Bottom, SM, and sex by themselves do not. Neither does fetish.

Power exchange is an attitude, not an act.

Acts do not equal attitudes.

One can be more than one of these things simultaneously, of course, but it's not required. For instance, some dominants have no interest in topping, while some submissives have no interest in bottoming. On the flip side, many masochists have no interest in submission or service and sadists may or may not be interested in control.

The point of all this is that you don't have to pick any one of these categories and adhere to it rigidly. Instead, think of it as more of a Mr. Potato Head guide to your sexual play – mix and match the parts that feel right to you, and leave the others for people to whom they are better suited. If it makes you truly uncomfortable, don't do it! There is no “one true way” to kinky sex, other than what you and your partner(s) mutually agree upon.

*All relationships are understood to be between consenting adults, safe-words are available if necessary, and all limits should be clearly negotiated and agreed upon ahead of time.

Learn more about this author, T. S. Love.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.