by Kristen Donalson

Created on: February 20, 2010   Last Updated: February 21, 2010

As a survivor of what I like to call a living nightmare, domestic violence shattered my life. There is absolutely no excuse for violence within a relationship. If you can not walk away you are not a man. I believe firmly that if a man puts his hands on a woman he has a very low self esteem. I am also a person who knows from experience that not all men that abuse women have seen it, or lived it in their past. Too many people use that to justify what a man does out of anger and rage.

I was in a very loving relationship for approximately 1 year, then the same man who would die for me, became the man that I feared more than the devil himself. My whole world turned upside down. I was removed from my father and put into a household of his family members. I worked exceedingly long hours while he stayed home. I found work to be the closest thing to refuge I had, even though he called constantly and would show up very angry when his calls went unanswered. I felt shame, fear, and an overwhelming sense of guilt. Like I had done something wrong when he would beat me unconscious. He started off apologizing and then eventually the words never crossed his lips again. I would seldom open my mouth with my own opinion for fear of what my consequence would be. To fear a man whom you think you are in love with is a conflict in its own.

My ex was not raised in or around violence. He had a great childhood with a loving family. Though his parents were divorced, he still had plenty of time with both of his parents. If doctors want to say he is abusive because his parents are divorced, that would mean almost seventy-five percent of all Americans will be abusive as adults. I for one, am a product of a divorce and haven't ever put my hands on another human being in my life. 

For psychologists to say the men who abuse women have most likely seen, or lived, abuse in their past is nothing but putting another reason behind something that there is no excuse for. Doctors to analyze the situation and make a scientific reason only gives the abuser something else to use as a scapegoat for their actions. Without all the excuses that medical professionals provide for them, what would the abuser use for their excuse? They would no longer be able to say things like they were born that way or that they saw it growing up. They would be left to their own devices. Society would no longer be wrapping a monster in a pretty bow and allowing and abusive man to get away with the things he does with nothing but a slap on the hand from our justice system.

No matter how you look at the situation, abuse is wrong. The more society gives abusers excuses, the more common it will be to see women or men in the hospital, or in the ground at the hands of their spouse.

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