The 10 Best Bad Movies of All Time
They're terrible. Badly written, badly acted, badly filmed, the story is just ridiculous, whatever. They suck. But you just have to love them. You do, really.
10. Dolomite
9. The Fifth Element
8. Bride of the Monster
7. Plan 9 From Outer Space
6. Freaks
5. Bride of Frankenstein
4. Night of the Living Dead
3. Journey to the Center of Time
2. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
1. The Birth of a Nation
10. Dolomite : This has to be the king of all blaxploitation films. This bizarre flick totally knocks the Blacula movies out of the running. Dolomite is a street-smart pimp just released from prison (to the delight of his hoes) who constantly cracks jokes that don't make sense (at least not to white people) and all his ladies know karate and kick serious ass. Plot? There's a plot? Well, it isn't important. What REALLY makes the movie is "Creeper" the crack head, whose debut at a street-corner burger vendor is fatally entertaining.
9. The Fifth Element: Like many people, I did not at first realize this film was meant to be funny. That's the advertising's fault. Really, though, I'm sure you've all seen this. You know that it's insane. You have to give mad credit to Gary Oldman, one of the greatest living actors, for his cyborg-hitleresque role and the ability to keep a straight face whilst explaining that empty is the opposite of full.
8. Bride of the Monster: An Edward D. Wood, Jr. classic, this was originally titled "Bride of the Atom." The original atomic paranoia movie. Stars Bela Lugosi as a mad scientist with a nuclear octopus. In the end, Lugosi is eaten by the octopus, which apparently then explodes. (Cut to: mushroom cloud) Strangely, the two men standing a dozen feet away survive the atomic blast. Well, someone had to deliver that famous closing line: "He tampered in God's domain!" (If you've seen the film "Ed Wood," with Johnny Depp, you know the story behind the mushroom cloud an investor gave Mr. Wood the money to finish the film on the stipulation that his nephew get a part and that it end with a big explosion.)
7. Plan Nine From Outer Space: Another Ed Wood film, the original zombie classic, and the final film of Bela Lugosi. Aliens are bringing the dead to life. Lugosi died after shooting one scene, so he was replaced by a dentist who slicked back his hair and held his cloak over his face so no one would know it wasn't Lugosi. Flying saucers hanging from fishing poles, shiny plastic alien uniforms, and snappy dialogue ... look for the fighter pilot who wants to teach the aliens a lesson. Good stuff.
6. Freaks: Imagine a soap opera set in a circus freak show. This movie was meant to show people that "freaks are people too." The director had actually been born into a freak show family. He might ought to have stayed. The film's high point is the musical number after the engagement of one of the freaks to a "normal" ... "Gooble gobble, gooble gobble, we accept her, we accept her. Gooble gobble, gooble gobble, one of us, one of us!" The woman who marries the midget is in fact only using him for his money, and plans to have him killed in the end. In the end, the tramp gets what she deserves, proving once and for all that you shouldn't screw around with midgets, bearded ladies, or Siamese twins. This is almost as good as the other freakshow/circus classic that features a strongman who is in love with a woman who has an intense fear of men with arms.
5. Bride of Frankenstein: Director James Whale (who did the original Frankenstein) was the first Hollywood celebrity to come out of the closet. It destroyed his career. He begged, and on the strength of his earlier success, was allowed to direct Bride of Frankenstein. He inserted a new character into the script who is obviously gay, gave Dr. Frankenstein some very queer characteristics, and pumped an otherwise dry boring 1930s horror movie sequel with sarcasm, vengeance, and humor. The great part is that the 1930s audience didn't get it. They didn't even notice the undertones of what was being said. I love it when the scientist tells Dr. Frankenstein that he wants to show him his little people.
4. Night of the Living Dead: The almighty zombie movie, NLD was chock full of social commentary. Featuring a budget so low that when Romero's friend had a slight car accident the script had to be rewritten, this movie still managed to give a stern message... which was, of course, totally lost on most of the audience. Note that the only character with any sense is Ben, the black man, who gets shot by the good ole boy rescue team, who, in aerial shots, cannot be distinguished from the zombies except that they have guns. Says the sheriff in an interview ... "They're dead ... they're all messed up."
3. Journey to the Center of Time: The arms race takes on a savage new twist. We can't have a time machine gap.... so we have to build a time machine before the Communists get their sticky Red hands all over the past. But things go wrong. While passing themselves in Time, the experimental time team blow their future past selves up (mistaking them for Communists) and therefore on the way back to the present they get blown up. The best part is they can hear themselves arguing about it on the way back to the present, but can't make themselves heard. So they get blown up. Oops. Back home, the computer explodes. Marvelous FX - some guy holds up a sparkler over the computer. You can see his hand. And the best line ever: "I'm afraid they're trapped in time..."
"Does that mean they're stuck?"
2. The Rocky Horror Picture Show: I mean, it's the best right? This is what all movies should be. You have not LIVED until you've thrown the toast at the screen. Unfortunately, this film spent more time on shocking the audience than on explaining the deeply poignant background of the story. You have to pay attention (or see it many times) to really understand Frank N Furter's motivations. Other than that ... well, it's a hilarious and fun movie to watch. It's astounding....
And the greatest and WORST movie of all time, let's hear it for
1. The Birth of a Nation (1914): What can I say? Without DW Griffith's masterpiece, cinema would have died in the early 1920s. BON was the first feature length film. It was the first, also, to use panning, zooming, shading, fading, and even color. It was also the first, and so far only, movie I've ever come across to have the Ku Klux Klan ride to the rescue to Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries." For the first hour, this movie is a good one with a slightly tangled and melodramatic storyline, typical of early motion pictures. The tragedies of the Civil War are clearly shown. The pain, the loss, blah blah blah.
But then, a mad mulatto leads former black slaves in taking over Congress and spilling collard greens all over the Oval Office. After his sister is menaced by a rapist (all blacks in the movie are rapists. they were also all played by white actors with grease paint on their faces, as no black people would stoop so low as to be in this), the hero of the film forms the Klan and saves the day. The Klansmen remove their homemade hoods to allow the president to give them all the Congressional Medal of Honor.
The mulatto has such grand and everlasting lines as "I want to marry a white woman!" and "You will be the Queen of My Black Empire!" shown on title cards.
When this movie opened, it inspired murders and riots. It is one of the most despicably racist and ignorant pieces of garbage ever made. Unfortunately, it revolutionized filmmaking and saved the movies: without it, we would not have movies today, as the public was already bored with the short, pointless films available and theaters were beginning to go out of business. At least it was kind of funny.