by Mike Mulhern

Created on: February 16, 2010

My wife and I are the perfect couple.  I’m not trying to brag, that’s just who we are.  Yup, we’re that couple you see walking down the street, hand-in-hand, with smiles so happy and serene you just know you’re inferior.  The pinnacle of perfection.  Sometimes my wife and I will curl up in front of a fire, drink hot cocoa, gaze into each others’ eyes and revel in our wonderfulness.

But don’t think it’s easy.  A successful marriage takes work, guys.  Hard work.  And if you’re not willing to put in that work you might as well just sign those divorce papers and tell the kids you’ll see them at 10am every other Saturday till their 18th birthday.  (Tell them it’s their fault too, it’s good to teach them life lessons like how to deflect blame away from yourself.)

So I’ll do all the men out there a favor and let them have the benefits of my knowledge.  I’ll give you guys some common relationship situations and what you should do in order to strengthen that bond between you and your sweetheart.  I’m not saying you can be as perfect as my wife and me, but follow my advice and you could at least be as stable, solid, and well-adjusted as, say, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. 

1. Your wife asks you to put the toilet seat down.

Of course you do this.  It’s a matter of simple courtesy.  Sure, you may be tempted to retort that it would be the same matter of courtesy for her to leave the seat up for you, but that argument never works—trust me!

So put that seat down.  But why stop there?  There’s no reason why you can’t have a little fun too.  Why not make a game out of it and superglue the seat to the toilet lid.  Your wife will come home one day, rush to the bathroom because she desperately needs to pee, and hilarity will ensue!  Oh sure she might get a little mad at first because she had to squat over the bowl… she may even yell obscenities and throw some bottles of hairspray at you, but someday you will look back on this and share a good laugh together.  Someday…

2.  Your wife asks you if it’s ok for her parents to stay with you for a few weeks.

In a perfect couple nothing matters more to a husband than his beloved’s feelings.  And how is she going to feel if her parents are around to point out all of her husband’s shortcomings? 

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