by Rick Badman

Created on: February 15, 2010

There are many ways to catch a fly and many types of flies people can catch.  Take for instance catching a fly on your wowewow.  Then it becomes your ohmywowewowhurtslikehell.  That can happen if you are in the toilet stall and the boss is outside pounding on the door and telling you you're going to be fired if you're not out in 30 seconds. 

Another way to catch a fly is if you're in a jeans factory and you're an inspector.  You don't want to allow flies to leave the factory that won't stay up or are too hard to pull up.  If you don't catch the fly in time, the person who buys the pants will complain. 

Some people are paid millions of dollars if they are the best fly catchers in the world.  Many a baseball game has been won or lost because an outfield either caught or didn't catch a fly hit out to him.  The infield fly rule is in effect even if you drop everything that is near you.  But you look less inept if you catch the fly in your glove. 

There is a big difference between a fly ball and a fly's balls.  You catch a fly ball with a glove or sometimes your hand.  You squash a fly's balls when you squash a fly.  I've never even seen them.  But they must be there or else we wouldn't have squirming disgusting looking fly babies we call maggots.  I've seen flies humping other flies and assume that is how they insert their maggot makers into female flies that look just like male flies. 

We had a problem with flies at my church.  So we put up fly paper.  It catches them pretty good.  But not all flies are dumb enough to think Harry Horsefly is beating his wings furiously while standing on a strip of sticky brown stuff just for exercise.  That is why fly swatters and nets are used to catch and kill flies.  Sometimes I grab them with my hand.  But that is rare.  Then I squeeze my hand and hope to hear the crunch of their little fly bodies and open up to see the fly blood and guts in my hand along with the dead fly. 

Spider webs are good fly catchers if they are fresh.  When Vincent Price told us at SMSU back in 1977 that when he was doing to movie "The Fly," he and a co-star couldn't help breaking up with laughter when the poor guy whose head was on a fly body was being attacked by the spider, I could understand.  The little voice was pleading, "Help me.  Help me."  Eventually he told the other guy, "Just let the spider get him." 

I sometimes like to catch flies with a vacuum cleaner.  They are stronger than they look.  You almost have to have the hose on top of them before you can suck them up.  I once sucked up a wicked looking thing that was over two inches long that probably snacked on flies.  I didn't open the top of the shop vac for a long time so I could be sure it was dead. 

Frogs catch flies with their tongues and some plants catch flies and dissolve them.  But give me a swatter or net any day.  At least they've be dead and won't get the chance if they are in a terrible transporter accident to plead, "Help me.  Help me."     

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