by Steven Koch

Created on: February 09, 2010   Last Updated: February 10, 2010

The most important part of communicating with anyone, but especially with children is listening. As adults we have a tendency to want to help our kids by supplying all the answers; many times without really knowing what the problem is. It is like the joke where a young boy asks his father where he came from. After some thought the father thinks his son is old enough to learn about the birds and the bees and gives him “the sex talk”. When the father is done, he’s very proud of himself that he has handled this delicate situation so well. His son looks up at him and says “That’s interesting Dad, but where did I come from. Jimmy down the street comes from Pittsburgh.”

It is important to really understand what your child is asking. There will always be a generational gap in language as the spoken word evolves with each generation; so you need to really know what your child is talking about. The easiest way to find out is to ask your child the question in another way: “Are you asking me …” If you are off track, your child will let you know.

You must also understand the type of person you child is. If your child is shy or quiet, they may not ask a direct question about what is really bothering them. There may be warning signs in the questions and parents must be alert to them.

When my daughter was a sophomore in high school she asked me a question that scared me like no other before or since. With a profound sadness in her voice she asked “Does life get any better than it is right now?” Knowing that there had already been a number of suicides in her school I was grateful that she asked me this question, but I also knew I had to have an answer that would satisfy and yet be truthful. I’m happy to say that my daughter is still asking questions now that she has graduated high school and that none have been nearly as frightening.

In communicating with your kids you should also keep in mind that you don’t necessarily have to have all the answers. A solution to a problem for you may not work for your child. Let them talk it out. Many times a child doesn’t really want to have a conversation but someone to bounce ideas off of. If they are asking you to be a part of that process be happy that you are the one they choose to speak to, even if it interrupts your television show. It means they trust you and your opinion.

Finally remember that you are a parent not a best friend. Your main job is to raise your child to ultimately live on their own since we are not going to be around forever. While raising your child, you must try your best to keep them safe. They are going to get hurt either emotionally or physically and you cannot protect them from life. However, it is important to be there to help put things back together when it’s over. When things calm down you can talk about it with your child and most importantly – listen.

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