by Mike Mulhern

Created on: February 08, 2010

Remember Valentine’s Day when you were a kid?  Those were the days.  You would bring a stack of cards into school and the teacher would make you write one to every member of the opposite sex in class, even the ones who had cooties. 

(I’m not sure this practice even happens in schools anymore.  Probably because all it takes is one kid with runaway dandruff stuffing envelopes to cause a major anthrax scare.)

Back in the third grade I had a crush on a girl named Holly.  That year I made a special heart to enclose in my Valentine card to her.  It was made of red construction paper, had an arrow going through it and a message: “Be Mine, Holly!”  I watched her expectantly as she opened my envelope, removed my special heart… and immediately burst out laughing.  She looked over at her friend, scrunched up her face in a grimace and tossed my heart aside.

The next year I made another special heart for Holly.  This one had a bullet ripping through it, red bloodstains spattering the inside of the card and the message, “Die Holly, Die!”  That led to the first of several visits to the guidance counselor in my academic career. 

Through experiences like this I have become something of an expert when it comes to Valentine’s Day cards.  So I’ll do a service to all the guys of the world.  To help the lost, the lovelorn and the lovable losers out there with their sweeties, I’ve devised a list of common Valentine phrases and what kind of message each one really gives to the recipient.  Because obviously when it comes to Valentine’s Day cards I know how to send a message.

Be Mine

A good solid term to use in a Valentine.  Bespeaks directness and confidence.  Has a little touch of being commanding too, like you’re a borderline stalker—chicks dig that.  Don’t use the word “Please” at the start though.  You don’t want to look as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at a Chippendale’s dancer convention.

You’re Everything To Me

Avoid this at all costs.  Needy, needy, needy!  Gotta maintain some sort of independence, guys.  However, if you’re already at the point where you’re eating vegetarian and organic, you may as well use it—you were irretrievably whipped years ago.

I Love You

Simple, classic… and boring as hell.  You better come up with

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