by Steph Broadbent

Created on: February 05, 2010   Last Updated: June 08, 2010

Teenagers are children practicing to be adults.  They don't have all of the adult skills yet, and they don't always have the life skills they need to make clever choices.  What they do have, is passion, imagination and an inbuilt sense of what is right and wrong with the world.  Really listening to a teenager often produces an unexpected and insightful perspective, it also leads to a greater understanding of the adult your teenager is becoming.

Teenagers spend their entire existence in battle with themselves.  There are two people living within your teen's head.  The child who wants their parents to right all wrongs, to protect them, do things for them and to make them feel safe and secure.  Then there is the emerging adult, who wants to try things out for themselves, to make decisions and to take risks.  Most importantly the young adult wants to feel that their life is within their control.

Teenage anger is caused mainly by the conflict between, what the adult wants and what the child needs, failure on the part of a parent to meet the needs of the adult leads to anger and frustration caused by lack of control over their own destiny, and failure to recognise the needs of the child leads to feelings of isolation and being misunderstood.

Understanding your teenager is about recognising both the adult and the child.  Your teen needs the independence of making decisions but also the reassurance of knowing that there is someone there to back up the decisions they have made and to pick up the pieces when decisions don't work out the way they wanted them to.

Difficult teens will often respond well to parents explaining the difficulties of decision making with them.  "I want you to be able to go to the cinema with your friends, however it will be dark when you come out of the cinema and I will be concerned about you until you get home safely".  Often your teen will help to find the solution to the problem, "We are being picked up by my friends mom, so I will send you a text when we meet him outside the cinema", and because they have been part of the decision, they will feel no need to rebel against it.  After all it isn't something you are telling them to do, it is a solution that they have been part of.

By this type of discussion, you are meeting the needs of both the adult and the child in your teen.  The adult is part of the decision making process, and therefore has control over their own life, and the child is reassured that they are still looked after and cared about.

Teenagers do not want to go through life at war with adults and society and if they are given increasing freedom in a thoughtful way, and within safe limits, they will become adults who consider their decisions and the impact that those decisions have on other people within their lives.

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