by Joan Pedersen

Created on: February 05, 2010   Last Updated: May 02, 2010

Pass the Advil, Please

To the surprise of viewers of Monday’s Oprah Show, Lynn Cheney, devoted wife of Dick, announced that her anniversary present to her husband this year was to have him institutionalized.

“Someone had to do it, so it might as well be me,” she confessed to a riveted Oprah and Gayle King. “I truly feared that if I didn’t act decisively, some crackpot might just shoot him in the face or something equally unseemly.  I figured it was time…really.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the little guy, I honestly do, but after 45 years of my claiming the sky is blue and his continuously refuting it, I just couldn’t take it any more.  Beleaguered by his slipping grip on reality coupled with his unstoppable mouth, I haven’t slept in nine years, Miss Oprah.”

“God willing, in an insane asylum Dick will get the psychiatric help he desperately needs, perhaps even learn to smile.  I pray so.  The girls and I have been beside ourselves, hoping that he would snap out of his delusional state.  Sadly, our grandchildren now refer to him as That Angry Old Whack-job. I had hoped they would call him Poppa.”    

“Sundays are the worst.  Determined to single-handedly refute liberalism the whole family stopped going to church so he could watch those god-awful morning news shows, which only fueled his raving lunacy.  It wasn’t pretty.  Really did a number on his pace-maker.”

“Truth be told, the kids and I even facilitated a family intervention-had all the flat screens and newspapers pulled from the house thinking that might curb his behavior, steady the guy. Instead, that cagey SOB just slipped down to his basement bunker to listen to news podcasts.  We were high sweethearts, you know, so it’s a rough road.”

“Yet understand my own tortured state-hitched to a man who pathetically clings to irrationality 24/7, untouched by reason and at times even truth.  Yea, to a certain degree I was used to that with Dubya, but Dick is my husband, and that means something where I come from.  Given that Dr. Phil says that sanity can contribute to a lasting relationship, I don’t know how we’ve lasted so long.”

“Thank you for having me on today, Misses Oprah and Gayle.  I love what you’ve done with the set, and I just ask that your home audience keep poor Dick in their prayers, and perhaps he’ll grow less psychotic when Miss Sarah, the lady from Alaska, takes over.  Just thinking of her helps my stress.”    

Learn more about this author, Joan Pedersen.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.