by Nicole Henson

Created on: February 04, 2010

Water always brings revelation, for me.  Whether it be the ocean or a mud puddle, a sudden epiphany usually snaps my head around and jerks me into another wave of actuality.  This, Nicole, is what is missing.  This, Nicole, is what I've been trying to tell you all along.

Oh.

A few days ago, I was standing solemnly in the shower, letting the heat roil around my muscles and beat every living thought out of my head.  Burdens were being battered to pieces, breaking off in deep, jagged chunks from my shoulders, and getting sucked down the gurgling drain.  This last year has been tremendously difficult for me, because every waking hour seemed to be an emotional and spiritual trial - even when things were running along like they should be.  I had moved.  From Oregon to Ohio.  To be closer to my boyfriend.  We had never lived in the same state, and for all intents and purposes, my move had appeared to be easier.  

I had only lived in Oregon for 2 years before I began stuffing all my worldly possessions into my little green jeep for the long trek across the United States, but I was leaving so much behind.  In the last year, I had become so deeply involved with a church there, that I couldn't identify the members as anything less than cherished blood-relatives.  I was a Youth Group Leader (one of several), I attended rich Bible studies, and I helped teach a middle school girls' Sunday School.   That church and those people were knit to my bones.  They still are.

But I left them.  Not without regrets.  But still, a mixed and muddled path spread out like clay beneath my feet, and if I could paint a picture for you, I was walking into a wall of black, but somewhere on the other side, I knew a bright spot glowed.  Hope radiated, and even though I couldn't see where I was going, I was almost desperately clawing inside myself to find out what this man's life meant to me.  We promised to marry each other, but we wanted to know each other daily.  We had sustained a long-distance relationship for nearly 3 years.  Because of him, I don't apologize for my decision, but the road was hard.  I didn't know anyone else in Ohio, and all my spiritual, emotional, and psychological support remained on the west coast.  

Before I left, family and friends took me aside and told me I was making a mistake, and that if he were a real man, he would move out to be with me.  The resounding

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