"You're not my parent!"
"That's apparent!"
Stepparenting is the toughest job, by far, that you will ever love.
As I entered the church for my wedding, it only-half surprised me that the pastor did not offer me a choice: "Turn right, walk down the aisle, and get married. Or turn left, step out to the garden area, and meet our firing squad." The second coice would have been much easier!
It's been a wild ride. I wouldn't have missed it for anything. Now that we are all grownups, I can count my stepchildren as my dear friends. My stepson calls me occasionally - not just on holidays - and tells me he loves me. My stepdaughter, who is expecting her first child, shares her ultrasound photos and prenatal excitement with me.
However, when I stepped out of my white satin pumps and into my stepmom shoes, many years ago, the picture was very different. At the time, I was a young adult and didn't even know any other stepparents. Bookstores did not bulge with how-to books on stepfamilies. The internet did not even exist. What was a brand-new stepparent to do?
Several insights arose, over the years. I earned these - with a certain amount of scarring. But it's been worth it.
1. The new husband and wife simply must develop healthy boundaries with the children from the previous marriage. Of course, the kids have been through crisis, and the marriage will be an adjustment for them, too. But the married couple will need to carve out regular private time together. (During our first six months of marriage, we had two weekends alone. I loved his kids, but this was challenging to a beginning marriage!)
2. Time alone with the kids is essential for the stepparent AND the actual parent. Perhaps they can take turns shuttling the kids back and forth to their other home, or attending the kids' events. Having everyone together for family activities is important, but so is the opportunity for the children to build a new relationship (with the stepparent) and to rebuild the existing one (with the actual parent).
3) Personal space is essential - for everyone. Even if the children only visit on weekends and holidays, they will need the opportunity to have moments alone. (Families in smaller living quarters may need to be creative here.)
4) Making memories together helps build relationships. Looking back, our family loves to laugh at some of the crazy things we did together. We have shelves of photo albums of trips we took, activities we did, and holidays we had together. (For example, one year we cut a Christmas tree in the pouring rain!). Shared memories are the bedrock of a new family.
5) No bad mouthing! No matter what has happened, the parent and stepparent will gain nothing by bashing the other parent (or stepparent, if there is one). This will only make the children more uncomfortable.
6) Try as he or she might, a stepparent will never be "Mom" or "Dad." Sometimes, the children will give you a new nickname, if you like it. You can try to be an adult friend, but obviously, you will never replace the other parent.
7) Give it time. If you and the actual parent add children to the family, the older kids may begin to see you as a parent. When grandchildren come, a wise stepparent will not usurp the favorite pet names ("Nana," "Grampa," "Gram," etc.), but will seek to create an original nickname with the grandchildren.
8) Most important of all, the actual parent sets the tone for success or failure in the stepfamily. His or her attitude can literally make or break the deal. If the actual parent does all he or she can - to encourage unity and acceptance - then everyone wins.