by Frank Butry

Created on: February 01, 2010

It is with true composure you wait, until you assume no one is looking, when you feel alone. Maybe it was a song, the melody of some light tune, or perhaps it was a sight, something you saw passing the time. It could be a word, a phrase or even a cloud formation. Your mind, even though you try and stop it, with every ounce of will power you have, turns that moment into a memory of a person you loved once. And the real sad truth is you have lost her, forever.

I sit and ponder, trying to justify my reasons for leaving her, like the fox and the grapes story, I come to the logical conclusion I did the right thing, I was smart, I overcame some emotion I would rather neglect. Because if I let my mind wander into the song, into the moment, I know I am lying. I know that now. I have been lying to myself for four years now, and no shamans chant or deep yoga therapy will help. I lost the love of my life, and at the time I celebrated. I had won, won the freedom I sought. No one would be holding me back with her ideas of life. I could go on, and live as I pleased.

After my goodbyes, I trained myself to laugh and mock everything she held near her heart. I told myself I was smarter than her, that I did not need her arms or comfort, I even convinced myself I was a fool for letting her into my life. You see how you let little lies control your thoughts? How little lies can comfort your hurt, how they can blind your heart?

I gave her up for my empty life of driving, my life out there, on the road. I replaced her encouragement with fatigue, her wonderful voice with the hum of my diesel engine. But at night, I was haunted by a song, a slow dance that never happened. My brain could only place her in my arms, no one else. 

I once called her, just to hear her voice again, and even though I only heard a voice mail greeting, I cried. I felt ashamed, like a child who lied to his mother for the first time. It should have been our phone in our home. It should have been our life together. I gave her up for the life on the road. What fools these mortals be.

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