by Suz Neave

Created on: January 31, 2010

Being treated badly or unfairly in a previous relationship, particularly resulting in a break up, can result in bitterness and scepticism about getting into another relationship. It is easy to become marred by the feeling that it will happen again and this can often lead to unjustified mistrust of other people. I know the feeling too well of being rejected because of another woman. The months of disinterest from a partner is dismissed as “going through a rough patch” and is dealt with by an extra effort to win back his attention. The discovery that your failing attempts is as a result of his diverted attention is the most devastating feeling.

The hours of self-torture that results from such an emotional “kick in the stomach”, only fuels the bitterness. But in reality the bitterness over an ex is not the real bitterness that stops us from getting into another relationship. It’s the bitterness that comes from the self-doubt, scepticism and mistrust that we find becomes part of our analysis of potential relationships.

I felt bitter towards my ex for a long time, not only for his treatment of me, but also for leaving me dumped on the single’s circuit after taking away, what I considered to be my prime years, in terms of my potential to have a family. I felt like the opportunity had been wasted by me, and now it was too late!

But, if I really sat and thought about it, I’m bitter more because he turned me into such a self-doubting person. You think the love, attention and commitment you put into the relationship was given to the best of your ability, only to discover that you were wrong. But things were only wrong with THAT person. It doesn’t mean that all men behave that way or that you were wrong about how you approach relationships, just that, they were not the one. A cliché I know, but also a basic fact.

Sometimes relationships also just run their natural course. Nothing in nature is constant, non-changing. Society leads us to believe that the perfect relationship is one of long standing, to the very end of our lives. Why does that have to be true? When a relationship has run its course, often neither party is to blame. Our behaviour towards each other, that triggers the bitter feelings, is often a reflection of us trying to go against the flow of things. I think, if we can accept that things were just not meant to be, the healing process and the ability to move on is easier to achieve.

The starting point is to rediscover whom you are and what you want to get out of being in a relationship. We don’t need to be in a relationship, its more important to want to be in one.  Barriers are important for protection, but they can also be cause unnecessary obstruction to the relationship, so be careful not to put up too many defences, as you may never get passed them! The important thing is not to be in fear of embarking on a new journey; they don’t all have the same destination or obstacles.  

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