by Jan Slabach

Created on: February 20, 2007   Last Updated: March 16, 2007

I have a step-daughter who is 12 and has been a part of my life for 6 years. My husband has full custody but her mom has visitation. Granted, I have a unique situation where my step-daughter asked me to marry her dad because ,"I have two dads and just one mom and I need another one really really bad." From the very beginning she did things like make me and her dad hold hands, or kiss or hug. Her very favorite thing was to yell out, "group hug" where we all had to run to each other and hug. So, while I may not have had any problem in the bonding department with my new daughter, I did have problems with my new co-mom. I'd like to address those issues and some solutions to problems that have arisen.

1. I never compete. My daughter has a mom. I know her place and I know mine. When my daughter asks me to do something for her or with her that her mom really should be the one doing, I ask, "Are you sure you don't want to get your mom to do that?" If the answer is that she wants me to do it, I do so. The child has the right to choose.

2. I don't talk badly about her mom and I don't allow her to. When her mom does things to upset her I tell her that her mom loves her very much and is doing the best that she can. Some moms are just better at showing love than others. It doesn't mean that the child is not loved. Kids need the security of knowing that they are loved...and the worst thing a step-parent can do is try to undermine the love the biological parent has for the child. It causes the child to be insecure.

3. I allow my daughter to vent about the adjustments she has to make when going from one house to the other. We have lots of rules and structure. They have none. The longer she has been there the longer it takes to readapt when she comes home. I am understanding about that but at the same time firm about our rules must be adhered to.

4. I never make my husband choose sides when there is a problem between my step-daughter and me. I handle it myself and it causes my step-daughter to see me as an authority figure deserving of respect. I am not a tattler, running back and forth to tell her dad on her. If she does something that he really must be informed about and I have already issued punishment, I tell him...this has been handled. The child does not need to be chastized twice for one infraction.

5. On the other hand, I do not cover for her with her dad. She has asked me to sign a school paper so he wouldn't see the grade. I know my place and it is NOT between them.

6. I never lose sight of the fact that she has a mother and the very best that I can really hope to be is a close friend. So, I try to be the best friend that I can be to her.

I guess it's working. My new daughter tells me all the time that I am her role model. She says she wants to be just like me when she grows up. She says I am the best mom ever. I constantly get hugs and "I love you" notes. All in all, I'd say this step-mom job is pretty rewarding stuff!

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