by The Dormouse

Created on: February 20, 2007   Last Updated: May 02, 2007

There's no easy answer. You've invested years of your life, your energy, and your emotions into a relationship, and - bang - suddenly it's all gone.

The initial period after the break up will be one of immense shock, anger, grief, and even physical pain. How can this person do this to you? Why? What have you done to deserve it?

In my case, it involved moving out of a shared home very quickly - one day we were in love, the next, he decided he loved someone else.

The initial stages are there to be endured - there's no way to get through them other than just getting through. Vent your grief, and if you can talk things through and get answers, do. You might not like what you hear, but it will help you later on. Through these grim few weeks, try to eat and sleep normally (get help from your Doctor if you need to), and if you have a routine, stick to it.

If you need to move home, and you don't have to make a drastic decision, make sure you take your time to find somewhere you could be happy in the future. Right now, you might not feel that you'll ever be happy again, but you'll be glad you did, and sooner than you think. My new flat isn't exactly a showhome, but it has character, and I love coming home to it now in the same way I once did to the home I shared with my ex.

Make sure you keep seeing your friends and familiy, and also pick up old friendships that you might have dropped during the course of your relationship. You may be surprised how many of the friends you saw on a regular basis were "his" or "her" friends, and not your own. You need to start building YOUR OWN life once again.

One major don't - don't start dating again until you feel you're really ready. Don't feel you have to get into another relationship, or that you are going to be lonely. A rough rule of thumb is that it will take roughly half the time you were together to REALLY get over an ex, although I'm not suggesting you spend that time snarling at smooching couples and crying over romantic records alone. Just be aware that you are likely to still be carrying emotional baggage over the ex for that length of time, even if you find you've fallen in love with someone else. Even months into your breakup, when you think you're just about fine, a photograph, or a place, or a memory can send you back to square one for a while. But you'll bounce back faster and faster as the months go on.

Most important of all - don't contact the ex unless you absolutely have to. Of course, if you have children, you'll have to maintain civil and regular contact for their sakes, and you must make it clear that you BOTH love them, you just don't love each other any more. If you have joint financial arrangements, try to sort these out as quickly and abruptly as you can, preferably before one or the other moves out. Likewise, property - if you really can't live without it, take it with you, otherwise, consider leaving it behind. Constant reminders of your "old" life will not help you move on with your new one. Not being in touch is initially a grim and painful wrench, but you'll regain your own equilibrium much more quickly.

Finally, if you really feel you cannot cope, and cannot go on, please seek help. Like all the best cliches, "Time is a Healer" is true.

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