by Tammy Sandeen

Created on: January 28, 2010

There are so many issues facing parents today. It is a tough job even when you have someone by your side, or when you live in the same house as your child. Most people either give up or try too hard when parenting from a distance. In addition, the number one hardship seems to be getting too busy to remember the people who are not part of the day-to-day life.  Some relatively simple things can make the job easier, as long as you have a working relationship with the custodial parent or caregiver.

1. Remind your self and the child that you are a family regularly. Calls are great but sometimes the children have a hard time knowing what to talk about or are uncomfortable with the other parent standing over them. An alternative is weekly or monthly letters both ways. Kids love getting mail that is just for them.

You can send them something like how you saw a horse on a drive through the country, enclose a few stickers or small little thing, and the child will think they won the lottery. Be sure to ask questions about their interests and school. Not only will it show you care about them but that will open the door for a response letter too.  

Don’t get mad if they are not as good at it as you are. They are young. Also, make sure they are getting your letters by asking if they got it when you call or see them. If they say no then check with their other parent to see if there is a problem. Try to remember that you want open communication so be as nice as you can.

2. Ask questions and stay involved. Try to make time to go to or be involved with the big moments in your child’s life. If there is a school play, try to be there or have someone record it. Watch it and tell the child how well they did. If there is an illness, make a point of sending a card or a feel better gift.

Do not forget the day-to-day moments like friends and fades. Be careful not to be over bearing, but keep on top of the child’s wants and dreams, where they spend their time and with what friend.

3. When their actions require discipline, it can be hard to remain quiet. You cannot ground them or take away their phone. You may feel as if the people who can do those things aren’t doing a good job. However, you cannot say that.

Therefore, you need to balance staying involved and letting them know they were making a wrong decision. You have to learn how to use your words in a way that makes them aware of where you stand on the issue but does not make them so angry they stop talking to you. Respect, calm, and choices are the best tools for the job.

A. “I feel _?_ when you _?_ because _?_.”  Or “I feel scared when you run off on your mom because you could get stolen.” or “I get angry and hurt when you talk to me like that because I don’t treat you like that.”

B. “Instead of talking to your step-dad like that when you are mad maybe you could…”  -and offer a few different things like leaving the room until calm, writing down how they feel in a journal and talking to their mother in private later.

You will find that if you are the calmer, more respectful force in their life, they will turn to you more often. Do not judge them but be there for them.

No matter how far away you are, you can still be close.

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