by Diane Burnside

Created on: January 27, 2010

There are authentic apologies and there are inauthentic apologies, but the question of wether or not the perfect apology  exists can really only be answered once we become clear as to what an apology is, and is not.

  Many things Masquerade as an apology but they are, in fact, the evil twin, the antichrist of accountability and remorse.

  An inauthentic apology will not illicit forgiveness or healing, in fact it can and will escalate the the hurt and unhappiness created by the original offense.

 If you are someone whose apologies seem, habitually to rub salt into the wound you may want to pay close attention at this point.

 In a sense there are four levels of apology, they are: 

 * Non apology

 * Inauthentic apology

 * Authentic apology and

 * The perfect apology   

  Non apology:

 Any  attempt to get ourselves off the hook in the name of apology is a far cry from the real thing. Tactics in this category include:

 * Making light of the situation.

 * Blaming others and

 * Claiming that we are not responsible for others feelings.

 These behaviors do not even pretend at being apologetic. Although, they are sometimes thinly disguised, as they are when we use the “ I am wrong but you’re even more wrong.” or the “ I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.” approach.

 In either case they are low-man on the apology totem-pole.

 Inauthentic apology:

  In the world of genuine apology, when something dark or self-serving masquerades as the real thing in order to manipulate others, we have  the wolf in sheep’s clothing that passes, in most circles as the real thing.

  The following is a list of these imposters:

 An apology whose sole purpose is to manipulate others into apologising to us has been polluted into toxicity and is no longer fit for human consumption.

 Any attempt to use apology to illicit guilt, remorse or even forgiveness from someone is an imposter. Real apology is an act of giving, not an act of ‘getting’.

 Offering a well worded apology using a sarcastic, sneering or otherwise disingenuous tone of voice is the same as saying: “Alright, I  am apologising, but I don’t mean a word of it.”

 If you say all the right things and you use the right tone of voice but your heart is coming from an unloving place, you need to know

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