by Elaine Sihera

Created on: January 27, 2010

I have read so often the desire of many single people to find the 'right' person to love. Not right for now, for two weeks, or for a couple of years but for the ideal 'rest of my life'. Yet they actually pronounce a life sentence of singledom on themselves with that little recurring phrase because it keeps them searching for that perfect person who should last the rest of their lifetime while they miss the imperfect ones they could enjoy TODAY!

We will never get what we totally want in any person because no one gets what they totally desire in us. We have to assess what we are looking for, make a list of them, prioritise them and then settle for the few we couldn't do without while we compromise on the rest. it's a lack of self knowledge about what we really want which helps us to seek perfection instead of valuing a person for what they might bring to our lives.

When I met my ex-husband at 20, and he proposed, I never thought I was getting married for the rest of my life and told him that whatever years we had, I would be thankful for it. Worse still, after he proposed, I used to tell him that "If we are still going next year, then I'll marry you'. He used to find that very strange and unsettling, and was unhappy and insecure with it because marriage was for life in his world. He also couldn't understand that, if we did love each other very much, why shouldn't we still be going together then? His perception of long-term love and mine were different. He wanted someone to share the rest of his life while I wanted someone to share today. Somewhere in my psyche, I dreaded the thought of anything lasting 'forever'. It sounded so long and foreboding, so stale, still and stagnant, on without end.

Yet I was an evolving human being, not a robot. What I liked, wanted and desired at a very naive and youthful 20 years I guess would not have a place in my 40 year old experienced and mature world. And that is the main problem with seeking anything for the rest of your life, especially when you don't know what the rest of your life will mean for you - this desire for unchanging perfection

When it comes to relationships, the best ones work without a set timescale. It means we leave ourselves open for some surprises, we do not have time to take that partner for granted, and we have few expectations of how long it will last. We will also work harder for its success and enjoy that relationship much better because we will treat each day as if it is the only one we will have.

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