by Steven Koch

Created on: January 26, 2010

First it should be noted that if you have waited until your child is a teenager to promote their self-esteem, you have waited too long. Self-esteem is built through the years through a series of successes and failures. We all like to celebrate our successes, but it is through our failures that we gain most of our learning. Success merely tells us one possible way to do something right and with that knowledge in mind; most of us don’t look any further. We are satisfied with the victory. We fail to ask ourselves what will happen the next time, when things do not fall in perfect order. Can we handle it? Can your teen handle it?

Adults face such problems everyday. The ones who have learned to adapt and find alternative ways to accomplish their goals are successful over a long period of time. We need to instill in our teens the confidence that they can overcome life’s challenges and be successful, but that it is not always easy.

The one thing you should never –ever – say to your child or your teen is “Well that’s good enough.” That type of attitude creates a mindset that will accept whatever their minimum effort will produce. The child or teen will never be pushed to test their abilities and will never learn what they are truly capable of. This is not to say you should never be satisfied with the work your child has accomplished. You must always remember he or she is a child. Their vision of what the final outcome of any project will look like may be completely different than your own. You know what your child is capable of and that is your baseline for judging your child’s success.

Teens are confused and many times they are angry because they don’t understand what is happening to them. Peer pressure in school or in social occasions also helps to instill in teens a healthy dose of paranoia. When you are critiquing your teen’s work you should begin with what you like about it. Praise what is good, then suggest that other aspects can be strengthened to make the whole project even better.

Try to concentrate on the larger issues that need improvement. If you pick at minor details it will appear as if you are looking for things not to like about the project and any constructive criticism you may suggest will be ignored.  In addition, your teen will become angry and refuse future suggestions or attempts to help.

When the project your teen is working on fails, they will personalize it and believe they are personally a failure. They need to know that a failure is not the end, just a new beginning. It may help to share a personal experience – not necessarily from when you were a teenager yourself, but as an adult. This will show your teen that even adults don’t get it right all the time. Teens must be made to realize that it is what you do after you have failed that shows your true character.

Children and teens know when they have put effort into a project and whether or not they deserve praise. Praising a project that obviously did not take a lot of effort in an attempt to build a teen’s self-esteem will do just the opposite. They are smiling but thinking “I fooled them this time.” It is through effort that they learn they are capable of more than they thought possible that makes a teen’s self-esteem soar.

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