by Christine Whelan-Mccoy

Created on: January 26, 2010

AM I BEING ABUSED?

Traditionally, we’ve always known – and when I say “we”, I mean we, as a society – we’ve always known that when one physically hits another, it’s an assault.  It’s abuse upon another.  So, it makes sense that when a woman is faced with her own question, “Am I being abused?” she may automatically direct her mind to her physical body.  Her next question to herself may be, “Has he hit me?  Has he pushed me?”  There may be several forms and varieties in this nature.  If he hasn’t touched her, her answer to herself may conclude to, “No, he’s not abusive, he’s just a bit possessive.”

 “Besides, it’s all because he loves me.  And I just need to say the right things.  I just need to remember to do the right things.  I need to just be better…..”

 “He loves me so much, he wants to spend all his time with me.”

 “He loves me so much, he just can’t stand it when another man looks at me.”

 “He loves me so much, he can’t stand the idea of me being away at school / my job all day, away from him.”

 “And he loves me so much, he can’t stand it when I have something negative to say.  I have to just remember not to upset him, or disappointment him in this way.”

This kind of thinking is like “tunnel vision”.  The fact that he loves her is so all-consuming, it’s hard to see where he is over-stepping boundaries.  This vision cannot be corrected by any strength of eyewear or corrective surgery.  This kind of vision can only be corrected by coming into contact with the right information.  Information to puts one’s gut feelings into perspective.  Information that confirms what the little voice has been whispering for some time now. 

Does that make sense?  Knowing and holding tight to the knowledge that “he loves me so much”, while being slightly aware of another set of beliefs, whispering just around the corner, behind the bushes…..

Something is wrong.

In one sentence, abuse is a violation of one’s boundaries.  In addition, if there is a theme of double standards in a relationship, one person has more power than the other, and it’s abusive.

The important thing to understand is, whatever a person is exposed to,

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