by Heidi Peaster

Created on: January 23, 2010

Having adopted six children and having also been a birth mother to three, it has always been the obvious solution that the children always know that they are adopted.

Having secrets does not fly at our house.  It would be a difficult thing to keep such a big secret for an extended period of time in any house.  Usually, secrets are not really secrets at all, for several if not many people already will know.  It is much easier, and much more caring in the long run, to have the word "adopted" as common in the child's life from the get-go as the word "kitchen" or "preschool". 

Keeping the adoption a secret from the child implies that there is something wrong with it.  That leads the child to draw the conclusion that there is something wrong with him.  Children are notoriously self-centered; if their parents break up, it must be something they did, if they are adopted, it must be something they are not.  It must be because they were not "good" enough, or pretty enough and so on.  By having the fact that they are adopted common knowledge from the beginning, before they can understand the concept, it becomes as normal as the fact that they have brown eyes.

When the subject of the adoption comes up, the parent needs to emphasize how wonderful it was that this child came to be theirs, that the child was picked out by the parent, at how special that was for everyone.  In the same breath, the parent needs to say also how grateful they are that the birth mother was brave enough to give the child into a home where the child could be so loved.

Questions about why the child was given up for adoption will follow hard on the heels of any other discussion.  If the child hasn't asked the question, he is thinking it.  The best way is not wait to be asked.  When our son was four, although he actually remembered his mother and knew he was adopted, we picked a quiet moment when we were at the creek and told him a story.  We told him in story form about how a pretty lady had had a little boy that she loved very much but that she couldn't take care of, and how she had decided to give him to a mommy and daddy who could love him as much as she could.  By the time we got to the name of the little boy, he was enthralled, and had guessed who it was about. 

After that, over the years, we have filled in details-gently-as was age appropriate on exactly why the birth mother couldn't care for him.  "Why did she not have a home?"  "If she didn't have a job, how did she make money?"  (That was sometime after age 15)  We made sure not to slam the birth mother or father.  After all, the child is part of them, and they of him and it is a slur against the child in the child's mind.  And we always included the fact of how lucky the child is that he actually has two mothers who think he is the greatest. 

Keeping adoption a secret, waiting for the "right age" is a bad idea.  It is sitting on a time bomb.  The child has a right to know that, not only is it nothing of which to be ashamed, it is a great blessing that had been given to both the adopted child and the adoptive parents.  If it is addressed quickly and early, it will be accepted by the child, talked over often and even boasted of to his friends.  And, maybe the best of all, the child will be free to perhaps adopt his own child in the future to give them the blessing he was given.

Learn more about this author, Heidi Peaster.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.