by Honey Velvet

Created on: January 16, 2010

Evaluation of self: loosely translated as a very scary prospect!

When I think of myself, I see a confident, self reliant and outspoken individual who is often untidy, disorganised and always late, with a 'say what I think' attitude to life.

I have changed dramatically over the past few years. when I was 19 years of age my life was all about excitement, risk taking, and thrills. Going out partying as often as I could, a complete disregard to the feelings of others, over-indulging on drink, junk food and overspending, resulting in terrible debt. At that time, I thought I was happy with my life, but now realised I was trying to fill in an empty void because, although I was constantly surrounded by people, I was actually lonely and just wanted to be loved by someone special.

At the age of twenty one, I went on to have my first child, and had to abandon my 'wild ways' and with that, lost the 'friends' I had accumulated over the previous couple of years, as I could no longer go out, being a single parent.

I then met someone, and went on to have two more children and a five year relationship from hell with a violent control freak who put a lid on me having any kind of life or freedom. I finally got up the courage to leave him, and make a life myself and my three girls, landing a good job as a Hotel Manager, only to throw it all away a year later with my lack of attention to detail and frivolous nature.

A year one, I stupidly married an 'old flame' only for the marriage to break up after a pitiful 11 months. Since then, have suffered bouts of depression, mild bi-polar and adjustment disorder.

Now, I'm again trying to turn my life around, have got a new job, have also completely my lifestyle, and am now in a very happy relationship with another woman, which could be a part of why my past relationships with men have failed, as I was always longing for something else.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm alright now, albeit I'll never be a 'normal person', although in my opinion, normal is overrated, and I will always be slightly nutty, moody, extremely stubborn, messy, high maintenance very disorganised. I can live with myself now though, as I'm doing my best and I've got what I always wanted, someone I love, who loves me for who I am.

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