by Anthony Barsulia

Created on: January 16, 2010

I'm stuck even as I begin to write this because I’m wondering at which stage of my addiction I pull this day from. I’ll start at my addictions end, when most addicts stop, because they have nothing else to lose. Besides their life, by this time family and friends are usually gone. You feel helpless, and hate yourself for putting this crap in your body, and hate yourself for having the compulsion to keep doing it.

 This was my day.

I awake before the sun is up, trembling, hurting, and disgusted.  The house is dark and empty; it’s been two weeks since my wife left and took the kids.

I reach down for the big plastic bottle of vodka, before even getting out of bed. Suck down a big swig, then another. I get up and walk through the dark room to my TV stand. I reach my trembling hand to the medication bottle with someone else’s name on it and dump out three vicodine. Another big swig of vodka to swallow the pills. I know some relief is on the way.

 I start to feel normal again. Although normal has long since left me. It’s too early to get coke or dope. I got time to kill. I put on my headphones, and listen to The Who “Reign on Me” endlessly. I am so sad, I have nothing, my wife and kids are gone, and I just lost my job. I cry, I make phone calls and threats to people I believe turned my wife against me. I drink. I always made sure there was enough of that hidden around, habit from when I did have a family. It’s noon. I can get some real stuff now. The call is made, one hour at a convenience store.  I take more vicodine, and take a hot shower.

A half hour later I'm in my Jeep, about to meet my hook up. Already my heart starts pumping faster; it’s like anticipation high. I'll grab another bottle while I’m out, I can use their ATM also. I get my liquor and cash, and jump in my jeep, across the street I go. I can see my man’s car there already. I park, walk around his car, and get in. The switch is quick, cash for a 8-ball of crack and a bundle of dope (10 pills of heroin). Once back in my Jeep it takes all my power to keep it slow and not race home so I can start.

Finally I park, rush inside the house, quick swing from my bottle, and right to the dining room table. The large wood table with 6 seats that use to sit my family for breakfast and dinner. That’s just a passing thought, I got a stem and a clean set of works (needle) sitting on it now. I’ll load the stem and smoke a little rock first; all that liquor has me a little woozy. I load it and light, aaah, taste, smell, and relief. I’ll be chasing that all night. Now some dope, I’ll put two pills in the spoon, I fix them up, fill the syringe, and tie off. I give myself the shot; I can barely count ‘till I was numb. I mean emotionally, I can’t feel. That is all an addict wants. Hide that pain.

That night I finished the crack and left 4 caps off dope for when I woke up. Then I pretty much started this insane cycle again. It is insanity!

Fortunately for me, it wasn’t even a week before my sister came and took me. I was admitted to a Detox and Rehab that day. On my free will, I was tired of living like that.

Today I am sober, and I have a good amount of sober time. I know I can’t take that for granted. I live for today. I am also back with my wife again, and I’m a Father to my 4 gorgeous kids. They love me now, and they know I love them.

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