by Steven Koch

Created on: January 14, 2010

At some point in our lives, every one of us asks ourselves if it is better to be loved or feared. We need to know the answer to this question because it has a direct relationship in how we deal with other people. The answer will also directly reflect how we feel about ourselves.

Those who are insecure in their own talents and abilities or who believe they have been victimized by society, their families or by God will be driven to prove to the world that they matter. They want to be taken seriously. They want “respect”. In order to be respected, they believe they will need to force others to pay attention to them.

Too many times this means victimizing a few others in full view of many. The witnesses of brutality are made afraid and are forced, as individuals to keep a low profile so they are not in turn made a victim. Dictators and tyrants whether in the local gang or as rulers of nations, use this method to maintain their power over the masses. They rule by fear.

The person who would rather go through life loved usually decides to treat others as they themselves want to be treated. While those who choose to be loved may not necessarily come to a position of power, those that do will usually find their position more secure than those who rule by fear alone.

 There is a loyalty among the like minded. Those of a tyrannical mindset will attract those who share that opinion. These followers are guided by selfish reasons and seek to improve their own situation rather than to promote the prosperity of others. Underlings may realize that the leader has a power of persuasion that will keep the masses in line, but eventually a second in charge will decide they have been in the shadows long enough and will seek to eliminate and thus take over the number one position. Following the death of Lenin, Josef Stalin worked to eliminate all competition and ruled by fear, killing millions in the process.

The loyalty among those who would rather be loved than feared is often of a less selfish nature. In the family, it is a loyalty that prompts a mother or father to do with less food so their children can eat. In a business it may be as simple as a leader making sure the individual who ran with the project gets full credit for its success. That leader knows they will receive credit for the project’s success because they selected that person who ran it, but by not demanding all the credit the loyalty of those who work for the leader is ensured. Similarly, this type of leader will take the brunt of the blame if something goes wrong. Shifting the blame to others or ‘throwing them under the bus’ will not ensure the love or loyalty of others.

Regardless of the scope of a leaders influence, if we are afraid of the outside world, our first reaction may be to seek a leader who rules by fear because they appear to be stronger. A tyrant may appear invincible when compared to a leader who shows compassion, but once the tyrant fails, a replacement will be sought to prevent future defeats.

A person who is loved will be supported to fight again by a loyal following. The person who is loved will have a devotion that will survive long after they are gone.

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