by Loissel Morejon

Created on: January 13, 2010

Maybe your child looks and acts normal now that they are under 18. You know why I say this? When a child is under 18, they normally spend every other minute thinking "if I do it like this, my parents won't find out", or "if I smile and nod, they'll think I'm a saint", or the ever popular "where do I hide it?!". The day after their 18th birthday, or rather on the day after they went out to a strip club to celebrate their 18th birthday and didn't tell you, they begin to not care so much what they do, how they do, where to hide, or frankly whether you find out or not.

High school, as educative as it may seem to be, has some pretty adverse effects. It’s like forgetting your steak cooking on high. When you remember 30 minutes later, it’s most likely nice and crispy with that lovely burnt scent we all want as car air-fresheners.

For instance, if you try to insult a 14-year-old, they'll respond with the famous "f-you". Aside from the fact that cursing is degrading and makes you sound like an ill-mannered illiterate (and it's against biblical beliefs but we'll leave this statement for the religious folk), it's become a possibly-permanent part of their vocabulary. Whatever happened to telling the old lady to go shave her mustache or the Wal-Mart cashier to go clean up on aisle 10? All I’m saying is that if you’re stuck on what to get your child for their next crappy report card, a dictionary should definitely be somewhere on the top of your list.

Another fun little tidbit about high school student: the purity ring on their finger is as secure as sunscreen on an albino. They will eventually burn after a certain amount of time under the sun, whether they keep the sunscreen on or remove it (if you didn’t get the analogy, you’re in either in deep denial or have no clue what an albino is). My advice is to scare you child straight. Show your boy how ‘cute’ his junior will look with herpes and make your little girl watch at least one hour of childbirth videos. Remember that all you can do is show them the train but you can’t force them on it.

As for the whole “but Susan McKramer does it all the time” baloney, stand your ground parents! If your child seems to be dependent on you for the slightest little thing, they are most likely someone’s minion in school. You want to be very careful with this unless you want them to NEVER leave the house. Once you find a cure for this, make an article about it and send it to me.

Always remember that no matter the issue, kids learn to lie like a professional gambler in school. If you stay and watch your steak, even if it’s your first time on the stove, it’ll turn out edible. Now, I’m asking you to keep an eye on your child at all times, but don’t suffocate them. If you can do it without them knowing, even better. If you don’t want to hear it from another parent or a couch-potato trying to make money online, take it from an actual high school student who sees this every day, both the steak-burning process and the final result. Take it from me.

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