by Martina Billings-McAtee, RN

Created on: January 12, 2010

Dealing with a friend or loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder can be difficult. People afflicted with this illness can be combatant. They change moods, plans or idea's quickly and  can be extremely manipulative. According to the DSM-IV (the psychiatric diagnostic manual) people with this disorder tend to make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, consistently have a pattern or unstable or intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation; they have identity disturbances and unstable self image, they are impulsive in at least two areas that are potentially self damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, suicidal or self mutilating behaviors) they show chronic feelings of emptiness, have mood instability and an inappropriate intense anger. There are several more criteria but the above paints a picture

of what it is like to deal with a borderline personality. 

Below are 10 ways to deal with a loved one afflicted with this mental illness.

1. Do not play their game-People with BPD will draw you into their stories, lies and drama by attempting to befriend you, set you against another person and create tension where their isn't any. Do not fall into this trap. They will build up your tension only to drag you down when it suits their needs.

2. Observe for Dangerous Behaviors - BPD sufferers will often attempt to hurt themselves or others. They consistently show a lack of empathy for others and a lack of concern for their own personal safety.

3. Avoid Arguments and Finger Pointing - Attempting to yell, scream and argue with a person with this illness is pointless. Gently attempt to point out inappropriate behaviors and activities and explain what will happen if the behaviors continue

4. Attempt to be patient-Above all this is a mental illness and should be treated as a disease. Being understanding and aware of how their minds work will help them live a normal life.

5. Watch for drug or alcohol abuse - People with BPD tend to indulge in reckless behaviors without regard for the risk to themselves and others.

6. Ask for change - Know your limits and relate them to the person. Ask for change of a behavior not change of feelings. (e.g. asking them to change their screaming, not their anger)

7. Have your limits- Show by your actions that you have the bottom line. Make sure through communication that the person knows your limits clearly and act on them consistently.

8. Protect yourself and others first- Remove yourself and others from any potentially dangerous situation. If your loved one becomes enraged and becomes accusatory let them know that you will exit the situation until they have calmed down.

9. Observe dietary habits - BPD sufferers tend to overindulge in unhealthy behaviors including dietary compliance.

10. Keep perspective - Sometimes so much time is spent walking on eggshells around the person with the illness that those surrounding them fail to take care of themselves.

While you love this person, understand that you cannot change what they will or cannot acknowledge. Do not take their behaviors and absorb them into your life. Their illness is not your illness and consistently playing into their fantasy can only lead to heartbreak. Take time away from the person if needed, always protect yourself and your children first. Get help, via a support group, therapist or government agency. You do not have to do this alone.

Learn more about this author, Martina Billings-McAtee, RN.
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