by Barry Parham

Created on: January 11, 2010

Welcome to Severed Oaths!

(Helpful tips on getting other people to help you with self-help)

Thanks for your recent registration to the Severed Oaths Self-Help Workshop. We're pleased to let you know that we have accepted your application, based on the following stringent analysis:

1. Your psychological profile is a near-perfect match for our self-help program

2. Your "Why My Life Is A Cold, Bitter, Dark Hole" essay touched our hearts
3. Your check cleared

So to help you prepare for our immersive, world-class experience, we've enclosed a little background information, and some anti-nausea medication. See you soon!

What is Severed Oaths?

Severed Oaths is not a place ... it is a concept, an idea, a non-entity; in other words, a tax-exempt corporate money laundry. And as a "laundry," we're here to cleanse the pocketbook as well as the spirit.

A leader in the management of internal self-loathing since, oh, a really long time ago, Severed Oaths has culled and coerced the best and the brightest from various arenas of personal, political, social and anti-social climates to bring you a diverse and altogether new climate of neuroses.

We focus on things that have been ignored. We look reality in the face. We believe in taking life by the horns, then ripping off one of the horns and, using the horn, beating life to death.

We don't do sacred cows. We insult stuff. We run rough-shod over tradition; we ride herd on religious fallacies; we have our own brand. And we could go on for days exploiting this "bull" metaphor. Believe me.

Severed Oaths – a tradition of trust, a playground of the cosmos, a tax deduction. Let's begin!

SEVERED OATHS:  PROGRAM HIGHLIGHTS

A Dianetic Approach to World Ecology

Our fragile planet's delicate ecosystems are collapsing, hourly, due to global warming, de-forestation, ozone depletion and environmental exploitation. Species are vanishing as fast as our breathable air supply.

WE. DON'T. CARE.

Our jaded counselors and free-style taxidermists will refocus your priorities in an intensive and patented "Bronx Cheer" approach to the ridiculous whimperings of environmentalists. Day 1 promises to skewer convention by means of our highly popular "Pin the Tail on the Egret" contest. And in another Severed Oaths first, former Reagan-era Secretary of the Interior James "Buster Quota" Watts will deliver the motivational opening address, entitled "Guns Don't Kill Animals. You Need Bullets, Too."

Award ceremonies and endocrine baths will

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