by Lawrence George

Created on: January 10, 2010   Last Updated: September 29, 2010

Low self-esteem kills relationships.

It can happen so easily: one partner falls into a cycle of low self-esteem without noticing it.  The other is left increasingly confused and the bonds of the relationship loosen.

Low self-esteem can eat its way through someone's personality: before they see it for what it is, they are no longer sure of anything about themselves and need constant reassurance: physical, emotional and psychological. They are asking lots of questions, spending a lot of time being down and unmotivated, losing the will to respond in arguments and heated situations. Crucially, they are spending a lot of time thinking about themselves, and less about others.

And the other partner looks on in confusion.  Why does she need to be told she is lovely so much? Why is he asking me all this? Why isn't he happy?

Then it builds. The confused, and now alienated partner will sometimes spark rows in order to get the other to respond and to show that they still have some fight, some drive. But the person with low self-esteem will take it, churn it over and over in their mind, and will return for more of the same.

Low self-esteem places a person in a spiral of decaying relations with those closest to them.  They will fail to do things their partner needs or wants them to do, often out of a sense that they could not do it properly if they tried. In the worst cases, people will return for actual abuse at the hands of their partner out of a sense that they somehow deserve it. This, though, is not low self-esteem damaging a relationship, but an abuser exploiting someone's weakness. Low self-esteem is certainly a result of abuse but it doesn't have to be caused by it.

Unlike depression, low self-esteem can be difficult for individuals and others to diagnose accurately. There are lots of similarities, and indeed, one may be related to the other; but it is also possible for an individual simply to lose their faith in themselves, perhaps as childhood traumas re-assert themselves or adult failures become stronger in the person's mind.

Sometimes - and this might sound harsh - people have to be reminded that their partner does not love them unconditionally, like they would a child. We attract people to us because of our positive qualities: our good humour, our kindness, our intelligence. When these fade, so the attraction fades. And if one partner is holding down a tough job, managing the home, while the other seems to be drifting and only taking from the relationship, rather than giving to it, then that relationship will come under severe strain until something is done. 

Remember that everyone's life is tough, everyone has hard decisions to make and commitments to keep. So when someone seems to change and can no longer give the support they used to give, especially when it seems so strange, or confusing, it should not be a surprise that a relationship might end.

If the low self-esteem sufferer is lucky, their partner will be sympathetic and will help them. Ultimately though, no-one can give self-esteem to another; they can provide help and reassurance, but cannot do it all for them. In order to save their relationship they will have to recover what it was that made their partner love them in the first place. For this they may need outside help, but they have to take it on themselves.

It is a tragic, but common scenario. It is baffling and upsetting for both partners. But low self-esteem is a silent destroyer of relationships and of people, and people need much more help in recognising and combatting this problem than they get.

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