by S.E. Ingraham

Created on: January 10, 2010

How to develop respect for the kids and for you

Since the strict definition of respect is to have high regard or to hold in high esteem it is not too surprising that respect does not come naturally to either children or adults but is a trait that must be learned. And children learn what they live so it’s important that they are raised in an attitude of respect, that is that their parents treat them with respect right from the beginning if ever they expect the feelings to be reciprocated.

Surprisingly, most parents don’t consider what their philosophy of parenting is before they become parents themselves and if asked, many say the way they were parented didn’t hurt them any, so they guess they’ll go ahead  and raise their kids the way they were brought up. It is this apathetic approach to parenting that has resulted in the cycle of lackluster child-rearing techniques that continues in many households today.

Men and women who at some point in their lives had promised themselves they would never say the hurtful things that they heard directed at them from their own parents end up resorting to saying those same things to their own children when they find themselves on the other side of the parenting fence, especially if they don’t give the whole process some serious thought and preparation.

To begin with, if you want your children to respect you, you have to learn to remember to never treat them in a way in which you wouldn’t like to be treated yourself.  As educator Barbara Coloroso[i] puts it, “...if I wouldn’t want it done to me, I have no business doing it to my child.”  This may sound like a simple enough premise but is often hard for adults to do. It takes practice but again as Coloroso writes, “...if it works and leaves the child’s and my dignity intact, do it...”

The points about dignity are important. Just because something works isn’t enough.  Respect has everything to do with dignity and in order to maintain respect, both the child’s and the parent’s dignity must be left intact.

Children have to learn from an early age that they have worth and dignity just because they exist. Their value as human beings is not something they have to prove, nor should they ever have to earn affection. From the beginning this helps children to respect themselves and to know their parents respect them also.

When children are being raised in an atmosphere of mutual respect, they are also being raised to have responsible self-discipline and a strong sense of right and wrong. Rather than being controlled by parents who are telling the child what to think and what to to do, they learn from the beginning to be compassionate, caring people and when presented with a moral choice they are likely to choose to do the right thing because it is the right thing.

If you are wondering if that’s all there is to it, of course it’s not. But – it’s a good start and a great foundation. Raising children in an attitude of respect right from the start will have the parents examining every aspect of their parenting skills and that’s a good thing.

Parents who are conscious of wanting to raise their kids differently than they were raised will be careful not to do anything that hurts their chances of raising loving, responsible and yes, respectful and respectable human beings.

[i] Barbara Coloroso “kids are worth it!”Penguin Group,1994

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