by Murphy Kozak

Created on: January 09, 2010   Last Updated: August 04, 2010

We've all been there. Here are quick tips for conversation starters on a first date:

1) Listen actively first. Then paraphrase what your date has said in the form of a question. Example: He says, "I had an outrageous day at work-the software had a glitch in it, the staff was complaining and I couldn't hear myself think." You say: "Sounds like you feel under-appreciated."  He might say: "Yeah! That's exactly how I felt." It is great to be validated, so immediately he thinks you "get him."

2) Talk less and listen more. Now is not the time to tell your date about your horrible ex-girlfriend, the rash on your back or to go and on about the software glitch. You are both there to have see if you "connect" on some level and can have an enjoyable time together. Ask open-ended questions-those that require an essay answer instead of a 'yes' or 'no.' Example: What did you dream of being when you were a little kid?"

3) Think of original questions as if you're interviewing your date for Rolling Stone Magazine. Of course you're going to ask what he does for a living, but also ask unpredictable zingers like-what kind of man do you respect? Or, if you would win the lottery, what would you do that first year-where would you travel?

4) Relax your body and have fun. This isn't a life or death decision-making process. This is about being yourself and making a new friend. Ask questions as if you were sitting across the table from your colleagues in the office. You don't want to be too relaxed and ask personal questions about sexual experiences, for example, but you don't want to lose your sense of humor either. Find a twist in the discussion if it gets too serious.

5) Veer away from depressing, gross or controversial subjects that can bring the mood down to a low. Keep "light" topics flowing such as food choices, pets you might have in common, hobbies, favorite movies or books. If you notice that you've hit upon a subject that your date really likes talking about-bingo! Let him have the floor and listen attentively, asking questions to show your interest. You don't have to be a martyr so, if you're starting to get bored, find a parallel topic that you like and can talk about for awhile.

There is no equation. You said "yes" to a date or you asked for a date for a reason. Come prepared to talk about your honest interests and opinions. Listen, laugh, enjoy the food, the beverage and/or the ambience. Exude that you like yourself and the stage-fright will go away, in typically, three minutes. We expect a full report! Enjoy!   

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