by Melinda Barr

Created on: January 06, 2010

When your child first tells you they would like to live with your ex-spouse, your first instinct may be to melt like a puddle of molten lava all over your living room floor. Try to resist over-reacting, screaming like a banshee or dissolving into puddles of guilt-inflicting tears.

Children make these types of decisions based on many different reasons. It may be that he misses his dad, or she needs her mom, or the lure of promises made by the non-custodial parent. Whether a rational or irrational decision, you owe it to your child to examine it carefully.

Evaluate all the pros and cons of the proposed new living arrangement. Would there be any downside to child living with your ex? Is your ex fully capable of loving and nurturing your child on a full time basis? Before entering into these discussions with your child, first speak with your ex to see if this request is valid and realistic. Is this an arrangement that your ex actually wants? Is this wishful thinking or a momentary whim on the part of the child?

Talk to your child with honesty, understanding, and integrity. Try to determine what the reasoning behind the request is. Your emotions and personal opinions do not belong in the conversation until you have a full understanding of what is behind his decision. Pay close attention to the emotions and thoughts of your child. Is he angry with you now and just lashing out? Does he have a realistic understanding of why he wants to make this move?

Depending on the age of your child, this decision may not even be yours to make. Most states now allow children age twelve and over to participate fully in deciding which parent they would like to live with. Unless there is reason to fear neglect, or some danger to the child, listen with an open mind and an open heart.

Do not take this request personally. Children make heart related decisions for all sorts of reasons, with no thought to pain they may be inflicting. That does not mean they do not love you or that you are not a good parent. It only means that children live in the moment, with no thought to the future or potential consequences.

Perhaps the partner who enjoys the child on part-time basis spends more time and money on the child while he is visiting. Children enjoy getting gifts, attention, and trips to McDonalds each weekend, without fully understanding that this probably would not happen on a daily basis. Statistically, the non-custodial parent does tend to pamper/spoil the child more, due in part to the fact that he only sees the child periodically.

Your final decision has to be what is in the best interests of the child. Perhaps your child truly would be happier living with your ex. If all parties agree maybe you could try it on a trial basis just to be sure that all works well with the  new living arrangements.

Whatever decision is made, do what is best for your child, no matter how much it may hurt you at the time.

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