by Chris Torgersen

Created on: January 06, 2010

Good morning. Welcome. Take a seat right there. No, not the sofa. The folding chair, right there. Be sure not to lean too hard to the left or it'll tip.

So then. Donaldson, is it? Oh, Michaelson. I knew it was some sort of son. You people all start to look the same after twenty or thirty of these things. I swear, you could be the same person I just interviewed and I'd never know.

Anyhow, Mr. Donaldson, what makes you think you would be a good fit for Burrell Electronics?

Yes, yes. That's exactly what the last fool who came in here said, and the fool before that. No, don't give me the answer you read in some how-to-succeed-at-interviews book. I want to know what skills you have that could possibly help us out here.

Electrical engineering? Well, we don't have much use for engineers here, electrical or otherwise. We don't run a train line, we make computer parts. What else?

Build your own computer, you say? Well, that's all well and good, but how well do you arm wrestle? Go on, roll up your sleeve. Let me see your muscles.

No, it's very pertinent to the job. You'll be spending hours and hours avoiding responsibility, and it takes strong arms to keep opening the door to make sure the boss isn't coming. Now let me see.

Hmm. Not particularly well-defined. You realize that this means you'll actually have to get some work done, since your arms will get tired easily. Now, I have a question for you, and your answer is very important. Clear your mind.

Yes, your mind. Clear it. Okay? Good. Now close your eyes. Close them. That's it.

Now, imagine that you are standing in the middle of a field. Green grass in all directions. Beautiful. Got that image? Good. Now, you're standing there, completely naked except for shoulder pads, and your only possessions are a broken glass bottle, a tube of toothpaste, and a deflated red balloon. Okay? Good.

All right, so you're standing there, when suddenly you are attacked by four zombie sloths. What do you do?

A zombie sloth. You know, a sloth that has died and come back and is now undead. A zombie.

Mmm… yes… mmhmm… yes. Yes, yes yes. That is very good. A very good answer, Mr. Anson. You know, it may be the very best answer I have ever heard. In fact, based on your answer, I think we can skip the rest of the interview. I'd like to offer you the position.

Oh, the title is Senior Supervisor in Charge of Not Exploding.

Duties? Well, I would think the primary duty is fairly evident from the title. You make sure you don't explode, and that no one under you explodes. Additionally, you may be called upon to provide a good home-cooked meal for upper management or to help destroy the zombie sloths.

Yes, they're in the basement. Real pests.

Don't want the job? Then why did you apply?

No, you have to read between the lines. "Electronics expert" is code for "non-explosive zombie killer". Yes it is.

Well, that's fine, Mr. Dawson. You just leave then. Thank you very much for wasting my time!

A real shame. We finally get someone who can handle the zombie sloths and he doesn't want the job. I wish I'd been born a beaver. Beavers don't have to worry about things like jobs and uncooperative job applicants. No, they just build dams and play in the water all day. Or even better, a tiger. Grrrr. No one could stop me then.

Hmmm… ah well.

Okay, next applicant!

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