by Ms. Glenda Bell

Created on: February 18, 2007   Last Updated: January 31, 2009

I have mixed emotions on this issue. Sexual abuse covers a lot of areas. Did the abuse happen as an adult or as a child. This is a factor that will affect the way he/she feels about what happened. Either way it is a violation of the victim. When it happens as a child, it can cause feelings of guilt, because they are made to feel they did something wrong to initiate it. Or it could be the only way of life that child has ever known. Children build walls that force them, to accept things, that most can not comprehend.

I am not saying that being sexually abused as an adult, doesn't carry some of the same guilt. But, we deal with it in different ways, than a small child. If the abuse happened as a child and he/she has sought help with dealing with the issue, then keeping it secret from their spouse could be appropriate. Bringing up such a sensitive subject, causes questions. If the victim feels comfortable talking of their childhood and the terrors that he/she went through, they will open up and talk. It is the past, yet, it can affect the future, if old wounds are reopened. If the abuse happened as an adult, then yes, they should tell their spouse. A touch, a smell, a sound, can trigger tears, anger, fear. Sometimes the victim doesn't even realize they reacted negatively to a situation.

Another issue to consider, who was the abuser? Was it a stranger? Was it a mate? Sexual abuse and the way it affects us varies with the abuser. If it was a stranger, he/she will question what he/she might have done differently to keep it from happening. He/she will be continually looking at people differently. Questioning actions, surroundings, and second guessing their every move. If it was a spouse, it is a violation by someone that he/she trusted. It will make it harder to trust a new mate, as their will always be fear it will happen again. Most abusers place the guilt on the victim in any circumstance, and refuse to accept that they actually violated someone.

Sexual abuse by a spouse, happens far more often than we realize. It is not reported as often as others, because of the fear of the victim looking foolish, by saying their mate sexually abused them. That question of (if only). If only she/he had of been more receptive to partner. If only she/he had not have made him/her angry. If only, he/she would have left, at the first sign of trouble.

Talking openly to your spouse about the way it made you feel when it happened and the way it affected you. They will either be understanding and supportive, or they will be repulsed at the thought. Either way, the victim, will be sharing a part of them self with the person they love and trust. The victim will need a strong support system and know that their spouse doesn't look at them with disgust.

In reality, it is an open ended question. It is a matter of choice, one that will affect even the strongest relationships. It will either built stronger bonds between him/her and spouse. Or it will be the breaking point. So the choice is the victims to make. Either choice will be correct, if the choice is the victims.

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