by Laura Strebel

Created on: January 06, 2010

Fear is not the enemy, only the reminder that cancer has succeeded in its attack.  It is now at Stage IV, terminal.

Fear is the exaggerated time frame of waiting for an appointment, a test, a phone call, to tell you how the battle is going as you are the last to know.

We fight not only the cancer but the guilt cast by others that surely we have brought this on ourselves and they think they are safe as I once did.

There is little outward sign beyond a slower step, a sadder demeanor, and vomiting that usually goes on in private to spare others the sight.

Fear slips beneath the eyelids to wake you in the dark and your heart pounds loudly till daybreak.

Fear kicks you in the gut and reminds you your life hangs on a precipice and avoiding a misstep is not in your control.

Fear moves beside you and inside you, its presence unnoticed by others as it reaches into your throat to choke your words.

You struggle to return to normal and fear reminds you that that life is gone, destroyed by the cancer and it’s not finished yet.  This is your new normal.

Fear rolls pictures through your mind of a bleak future.  Will the next poison concoction kill the cancer or the host?

Fear slams you with conflicting scenarios.  Is the cancer sleeping now?  Has it snuck back in to invade another vital organ? 

Can cancer be held at bay for another year, or another month?  Is it getting stronger as your arsenal to fight with runs lower?

Fear is known by many but only those on the dance floor with Stage IV cancer know the loneliness as the feet scream in pain from the neuropathy, legs collapse from edema, and the body falls, brought down by overwhelming exhaustion.

Fear causes the eyes to water and tears run as we realize cancer has stolen our future.  It has robbed our friends and loved ones of sharing the good times that could have been, as they prepare for a mourning.

Will the body fail first or will the mind?  Will the pain be so bad the only solace will be drugs and death?  Will there be the presence of friends and family or is this another scene faced in those dark nights when fear slips beneath the eyelids to wake you in the dark and your heart pounds loudly till daybreak?

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