by Robin Tidwell

Created on: January 05, 2010   Last Updated: November 30, 2010

A child is born with self-esteem, as witnessed by his single-minded self-preservation mode - crying for attention, food, a diaper change.  He is the center of his universe.  Most children do not need a boost to their self-esteem, unless they are emotionally damaged at some point, because most are doted on by parents and other family members and develop healthy friendships and relationships as they grow.

The 1960s saw an abundance of pop-psychology books and lectures which exhorted parents to raise their children's self-esteem.  This did little but confuse all parties and raise self-esteem to heights which before had only been imagined - and filled our juvenile halls and prison systems.  The typical incarcerated individual has soaring self-esteem: the law is "stupid" or he "was framed" or he's "smarter" than everyone else; he has grandiose plans, based on little reality, and no shortage whatsoever of "self-esteem". 

Most teenagers, like infants, are the center of their own particular universe.  They have plenty of self-esteem, on average, because everything is about them.  Yes, they may have doubts about their capabilities, or their futures, or their ability to pass a certain exam or even the chances of having a "good" hair day, but still - self-centeredness is part of self-esteem.

Children, and teens of course, are more in need of prevention than cure; parents must avoid lowering a child's self-esteem and instead seek to retain what is already present.  This is done by teaching and training them to value themselves as individuals, to learn new skills and increase their dexterity at such, and to foster independence.

Some children become damaged due to death, divorce, maltreatment, abuse, and so forth.  These children will likely need a boost to their self-esteem, if only to get over the rough patches they've faced and to move into adulthood fairly intact, emotionally speaking.

Most children must have experienced these things to the extreme in order to be quantified as "damaged" and in need of help recovering their self-esteem.  A divorce, for example, may not qualify merely by the fact of its existence; parents have been led to believe that any tiny bump in the road virtually ensures that a child will be traumatized.  History has shown this not to be the case.

Children, and teens and adults, face many issues over the years of their lives.  The expression "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger" is very apt.  Children who are shielded from every mishap may, indeed, be traumatized by very little, but that has much more to do with parents handling those situations as though the child already is incompetent.

In other words, most children will recover from those bumps 99% intact, if the parents allow this.  The term "helicopter parent" has never been more appropriate than when dealing with the normal issues of childhood.  Parents would do well to not make a situation more dire or serious that it warrants.

Teens, and children, who are in need of extra self-esteem, or an increase in such, benefit from consistent positivity.  In other words, these kids need daily affirmations of their worth, their value, and their accomplishments.  Beware, however, the tendency to praise excessively for small, simple tasks and undertakings.  Teens, especially, can see right through insincerity and will further doubt both you and themselves.  A smile, a hug, a "well done" will go much further than extreme gushing.

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