by Lainie McKenna

Created on: January 05, 2010

In order to deal with a bitter ex-wife, one does need to attempt to understand the bitterness.  However, in a society where nearly 50% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce and where the party filing for the divorce is the wife 2-1 over the husband, the bitterness of the ex-wife, particularly those who gave birth to the husband's child(ren), has become more difficult to justify.  Whether a second wife has no children, young children with her previously-married husband, or children from a previous marriage of her own has little to no bearing on what may be perceived as the bitterness, or probably more accurately the insecurities, of an ex-wife.  Although bitter first wives attempt to substantiate their behavior by stating it is a result of a mother's natural protective instincts, their actions and inconsistent behaviors suggest otherwise.

With reference to the statistics above, the first wife was most likely, for one reason or another, relieved by her divorce from the children's father and most of these ex-wives probably did wish the husband would find happiness with another person some day.  However, what they wished for once and how they react to the reality varies immensely, especially if the now bitter ex-wife is still single.  Their reaction toward their ex-husband who has found happiness commonly tends to be “I don't love you anymore, but I don't really want you love someone else.  The irony lies with the ex-wife who sought the divorce yet who still believes she has the right to inflict her authority over the ex-husband's emotional life.  What's worse, the bitter ex-wife has been shown to not be above using the children as a tool to manipulate her desire for this continued control.

Simply, the bitter ex-wife wants to have her cake and eat it too.  Although, the bitter ex-wife claims she wants the stepmother to have an amiable, positive, and generous relationship with her children, she does so only if the stepmother conforms to her specific and often unreasonable demands.  The bitter ex-wife will not hesitate to change her definition of the stepmother's role without notice, thereby placing the stepmother in a defensive posture not only with the ex-wife, but also with the children and their father, her husband. 

Although the stepparent's role if very different from that of the parent, the bitter ex-wife does not hesitate to use the stepmother to her advantage

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