by Tammy Sandeen

Created on: January 04, 2010

Do you want to have a marriage that will work? Then you must know who you are and who your partner is. But most importantly you must know what roles you will have in the family and partnership. And you both have to be comfortable in those roles. You will also need to remember that as times passes things will change. You will have to adjust those roles a bit as you move through life.

What areas of life do you control? Are you better at dealing with the kids or the budget? Do you spend too much? Who is better at making the plans and keeping track of who needs to go where? Think of it as a scale. On on side is the things you deal with better and on the other is what the other partner is better at. You want the scale to balance out so no one feels over worked or railroaded.

The biggest area couples fight for control over is money.  No one should have sole control over the money, how it's spent, or how it's saved. Both partners need to know where the budget stands and where the money is. If something happens to one the other needs to know where they stand. This is the one area that both people should be equally in charge. And it doesn't matter if both are working or if only one is. The family income is family income. There is a solution if both want their own pocket money. Allow a certain percent of the after bill money to be given to each person and the rest into the family pot. They can spend it, share it, or save it. It is theirs to do with as they wish.

The kids are another area that control can be an issue. If mom and dad have different ideas on how kids are to be raised then there could be a lot of discontentment. No matter what you talked about before kids, when they get here or trouble comes up, the rules change. You should work to balance between the two views. Compromise when you can. You must agree on the rules so the kids don't go to the parent that will give in.

Your parents like your children can make for a hard time. Emotions play into the best laid plans. Maybe you want mom to live with you in her golden years. Your partner may feel that there is such a thing as too much family time with her as it is. This will be tough but it must be balanced and fair for both of you. Maybe you and a sibling can share mom's care.

Friends can be a huge problem for a couple not comfortable with each other. If there is a lack of trust or not enough together time, then time with friends will cause a bigger rift to form. A partner who calls ever minute you are out, or who checks your phone for odd numbers will become a smothering thorn. This will very likely end the marriage. And this not an issue that can be worked out over night.

Other control issues include the day to day operation of the house, chores, and meals. Again you need to learn to give and take in equal measures if you want make the marriage work. Balance is important but so is compromise. No one should always get their way because at some point the other person will have enough of giving in.

Learn more about this author, Tammy Sandeen.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.