by Ali Hutchings

Created on: January 02, 2010

The essence of gift giving lies in the fact that someone holds you in high enough esteem to have spent their time and money searching for something they genuinely believe you will like. Most sensible people would agree that there are few people in their lives who would intentionally buy a gift they think you would dislike, would genuinely have no use for or would immediately want to take back to the shop. After all who would waste their money buying gifts they think the recipients would hate?

One can therefore assume that the intentions of the person giving you the gift were good – they saw something in a shop or online which made them think of you, or which they felt you would enjoy or benefit from in some way. They spent money on you that they could easily have spent on themselves or other loved ones. This indicates a person who cares for you and that you should therefore treat with equal respect and affection. Telling this person that they were so wrong in their choice of gift that you’d like to return their gift would surely hurt their feelings and could permanently damage the relationship that you’ve previously enjoyed with them.

Perhaps you’ve seen the episode of Friends where Ross discovers Rachel always returns gifts? While it’s treated with light-hearted, good humour for the purposes of the sitcom there is no mistaking the hurt expression on Ross’ face when realisation finally dawns that every carefully selected gift he’s ever given the girl of his dreams has ended up back at the store. And of course in a sitcom everything tends to be forgiven and forgotten within the 30 minute episode. Can you genuinely expect your real life friendship to heal as quickly?

The question you should be asking yourself is exactly how you’ve ended up in a position where you've received a gift you're considering returning in the first place. Perhaps consider that your relationship with the gift giver hasn’t received the care and attention it deserved over the preceding months and that while the fondness you had for each other still exists, to the point where they still want to buy you gifts, perhaps you no longer know each other as well as you once did.

Think back to the person you were when you last spent any significant time together and ask yourself if the person you were then might have looked more fondly on the gift you’ve just received than you do now. Ask yourself also if you’re sure the present you bought them in return was any more appropriate for the person they’ve become since you last really knew them, or whether they were just a more gracious recipient than you’re contemplating being.

Consider that the real value of your unwanted gift is as a warning sign that your relationship with the gift giver has been allowed to slide and that your goal over the coming weeks and months should be to make the time and effort to rediscover the person you no longer know well.

(And if you are genuinely an impossible person to successfully buy presents for consider putting together a ‘wishlist’ at your favourite online store that your loved ones can use to buy your future gifts or at the least use as inspiration!)

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